Quarter of a Century

It’s Been a Long Journey but I Have Been Blessed

Walking with Jesus I Have no Regrets

He is so Good to me I Must Confess

The Way Has Been Long but I’m Blessed

If you asked me at 20 years old where I would be today, I would’ve said married with two kids. I would’ve told you about my dream job of being a housewife. I would’ve told you how wonderful my husband would act and how dashingly handsome he would be. I had my whole life planned out. As the years have passed by my dreams have faded and reality has snuck its way into my mind. Things I had so carefully planned for never seemed to work and amongst all the kafuffle I lost a sense of who I was. I had given up my dreams only to replace them with doubt and pessimism. My 24^th year has changed my whole perspective on life. It started very badly with depression and end with hope and cheer. I still hold to the dreams but realize that life may not work out the way I planned.

As I look back, I realize that this year of my life was one of the most enlightening and enjoyable year of my life. I regained who I was and became confident in what I could do. I owe this all to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I cannot tell you how much He has worked and how much I have grown because of what He has placed in my life. Let me share a few things God has done for me during my 24^th year. First I would like to share that He answered my prayer in giving me a good, single friend that was a girl. I had known this friend for a few months and invited her to see Straight No Chaser in November. Since then we have become closer and she has helped me through those trying lonely times. Second, God has answered my prayer of why He wants me to be single. The reason is so that I would know that God’s grace is sufficient for me. I don’t think I will be able to ever get over that truth. No matter what comes in life God’s grace will always be sufficient. I don’t need money, fame, a husband, or nice things, all I need is God. Third, I have learned to be content with being single while learning to be lonely. I have learned to embrace loneliness as just a part of life and deal with it in my own way while not losing control. I rarely cry at night anymore and no longer beat myself up for not having a boyfriend. Lastly, God has given me a sister. This might not seem much to anyone else but to me, it means that God answered my prayer. God is so good.

My favorite memory of 2012 is a tie between the April weekend spent with my friend Miranda and the wedding of my little brother Joel. The weekend in April was memorable because Miranda came down all the way from New York just to visit me. I felt so special. We traveled to Toledo with two other friends to see Straight No Chaser. On a side note, if you ever want to see them try to get as close as possible. The price is so worth it. The next day we went to the zoo and later on the mall. Of course we had to stop at Chik-Fil-A for a bite to eat. It was sad to see her go but I’m glad that we were able to spend some time together. Last month, my brother got married to a wonderful girl. It was the first wedding in which I was a bridesmaid. It was an entirely different experience for me. I have attended many weddings in which I have been a guest book attendant or general whatever-you-need-me-to-doer. This gave me an opportunity to enjoy the wedding for the aspect of setting it up to taking it down and everything in between. This wedding was different in that I couldn’t help out as much as I had in weddings before because I was busy with my bridesmaid duties in between taking pictures and greeting my family and friends. I enjoyed it immensely as I got to walk down with not one but TWO guys. Ah the life of a single girl…it does have its perks every once in a while.

What is next? Well I will continue to serve God in any way that I can and continue to pray that His will be done. I am working on becoming debt free and if everything works out, within the next year I will have all debt but my student loans paid off. Within the year, I plan to move out and get my own place (with a roommate) to learn how to live independently. I will continue on the journey of losing weight. I hope to lose at least 100 pounds. Please pray for me on that as it is a constant struggle for me. Other than that, the only goal I have is to cherish each moment and grow closer to those who truly care about me.

My new motto for this year is God’s Grace is Always Sufficient in addition to Always Sing in the Rain. Life changes but God and His grace never does. Until next time, I love you all and thank you for your patience. I hope it was rewarded.

So remember readers, God’s Grace is Always Sufficient for You!!!

Christa

The Answer

Amazing Grace how Sweet the Sound

That Saved a Wretch Like Me

I Once was Lost but Now am Found

Was Blind but Now I See

It was Sunday morning a few weeks after my  life-changing moment had taken place. As my friends and I stood on the platform facing the congregation, my stomach threatened to get up and walk away. I tried my best to keep all traces of nervousness under control. Silently I prayed, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. I faced the congregation again and saw looks of anticipation. “No pressure” I thought to myself. A note was played on the piano and my friend started to sing the first verse of Amazing Grace. I struggled to keep my composure until it was my turn to join in the quartet. We finished the song and I felt such relief. I allowed my knees and hands to shake as I walked to take my seat in the congregation. As I sat there listening to the pastor’s message, I contemplated the words of the song we had just finished singing and the story of the man who wrote it: John Newton. A man whose story was marred by sin that turned into a story of God’s grace and forgiveness to man. I reflected on my life changing moment which also involved grace and at once realized what John Newton was trying to say. Growing up in church, I have sung Amazing Grace so many times over that it has become second nature to me. I became like a robot spewing lifeless words that vanished as quickly as they were spoken. I used to sing it without feeling and without reflection on how amazing God’s grace was. My attitude changed on that Sunday morning when I started looking at it like I was a human in need of God’s grace.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be married. From the moment of the first wedding that I attended, I was determined to be married. Fast forward life until now and you won’t be hard-pressed to find a bridal magazine or two in my bedroom with the pages well-worn and folded over to mark my favorite bridal gowns. You wouldn’t have to search long on my computer to find pictures of wedding cakes, flowers, and bridesmaid dresses. My internet history would show a visit to various bridal gown sites looking for the perfect dress. I have had dreams (and nightmares) of what my wedding would be like. Sometimes I close my eyes and try to imagine every detail, every sound, and every moment of how my wedding would be. I had mostly everything worked out besides who I would marry. That’s always the last piece of the puzzle, right girls? Through the years, I have watched many girls find boyfriends who eventually turned into husbands while I sat by waiting for just one boyfriend. I have wondered what I was doing wrong that made boys shun me like the plague. All the while my self-confidence dwindled. At first I was too fat, then I was too sarcastic, next I was too unorganized, and finally I was too honest. I started analyzing my personality traits to see if they would turn anyone off. I started trying to shape my personality to what I thought the perfect guy would like. Surprise, that didn’t work I was still single. I then started to lose weight (and still am) and even though that is a very good thing, that didn’t work to bring a guy either. I tried to become organized in my life and realized that I hate organization. Then I started to hold back on my opinions and not be so loud or sarcastic. I found out that I was miserable and dropped that idea like a hot potato. Then and only then, did I start really seeking God’s answer. Little by little this year God had begun to reveal to me glimpses of what the answer is. A few weeks before my life changing moment, I fasted and God pointed out that I truly needed to be content with being single for the rest of my life. He showed me the example of Paul who begged God to take away his infirmity but God for some reason refused. God told me what I really knew in the back of mind as the truth. I wasn’t truly happy or content. It has always bothered me that I only could be truly happy when I had a crush or when I thought a guy liked me.

Two weeks later, God revealed the full answer to my burning question of why I was still single. Our church had revival and the preacher read this verse: 2 Corinthians 2:9 “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee; for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” As he started to preach, God started to work in my heart and by the end of the service my eyes were brimming with tears. I didn’t go to the altar that night because the answer I had sought was given. I heard His voice as clear as bell as if He was standing right in front of me. What did God say? The reason why I was single because I needed to learn that God’s grace is sufficient for me. No man, no human, and no amount of things or money will be sufficient. I needed to learn that the answer to my trial was not that God would grant me a husband but that I need to rely on God’s grace alone. I needed to be content and I needed to be truly happy without thoughts of a guy.

John Newton wrote it so eloquently in one of the lesser known verses of Amazing Grace “The earth shall soon dissolve like snow, the sun forbear to shine, But God who called me here below, Shall be forever mine.” My contentment and happiness comes not from this world but from God. He will be forever mine. I finally have found the happiness that I had prayed to God for. I knew that God had heard and God had answered my prayer. What a joy! At this point in time, I am not sure if I will be ever married. One thing I am sure of is that God’s grace is sufficient for me all the time. That’s a fact!!

As always,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

Letter to My Crush

Dear Crush,

My name is Christa. We have never met and probably will never meet. I write letters to express my feelings so I thought I should write on but this stage in my life. Surprise I have a crush on you hence the “Dear Crush” part. Don’t be alarmed as I’m sure the curse will be enacted within the next couple of weeks and everything will go back to normal. What is the curse you say? When I was a girl of 5 a witch came and cursed me….no, not really but a gal has to wonder sometimes. Ever since I can remember, the story of my love life has gone like this: I like guy, guy meets other girl, guy marries other girl, I like another guy, another guy meets another girl and so on. The way of the curse has never been broken and it is unlikely to happen in this case either. Sad as it might seem it never fails, trust me. So can you let me just pretend for the time being that the curse doesn’t exist? I hope you don’t mind. I’m sure you won’t. You seem to be such a down-to-earth guy and I’m sure any girl that you marry will be very lucky to have you. I must admit I had no interest at first but the more I learned about you the more I started to take notice. I hear that you are a Christian and spend a lot of time at your church whenever you can. That is great!!! I also spend a lot of time at my church serving God when and wherever I can. I mainly serve in the music ministry by playing the piano and singing. A little birdie told me that you are a huge music fan. As anyone around here and they will definitively tell you that I am obsessed with music. I think that music was my first love…Tim Czekalski was my second. It broke my heart to see him get married, I mean, he could’ve waited 10 or so years for me couldn’t he? (Just kidding about this one) Remember the curse?

I have dreamed that we would meet in the airport. We could be on the same flight and just happen to sit together. You would say hi and ask me how I’m doing. I’d tell you all about myself and you’d ask me my opinions on life. We’d arrive at our destination and before each of us went our different ways you’d kiss me and ask for my phone#. I’d scold you for kissing me and happily write down my phone# for you. I think that this would’ve been the best “How did you meet story?” ever written. It would truly be a miracle that our paths would cross on that day (not that it wouldn’t be a miracle on any given day) and it sure would make for a happy beginning. Yet society dictates that someone like you being interested in someone like me only makes for good movie plots. I understand that you have your pick of any girl in the world. All you have to do is wave a little bit of your hard-earned money in front of their faces and they’ll swoon. I hope you are the same in person inside you portray yourself to be. The reason I like you is because you seem to be a wonderful person not because you make very good money. For that guy that I see is a rare find in this day and age. A few days ago I saw you and my heart whispered “I want to marry him” then something horrible happened to you. My heart leapt into my throat but thankfully you were ok and went out about your life like nothing was wrong. Last night I dreamed about you. I can’t remember what the specifics were but it was nice to have you in my dreams. I’m always happy around this stage of the crush as my mind plays tricks on me. It makes me think that I have a chance with you and that someday we will meet. The next stage is when reality strikes and smacks some common sense in me. I tend to dislike that stage and I must admit I dread that it is coming.

I know I will meet someone special someday somehow as will you. As you might know, God has an interesting way of working things out. If I know me, I know God will show me that this is just a silly high school crush. I hope that all continues to go well with you and that you continue to serve God as you always have done.

Sincerely,

Cursed Christa

***Disclaimer-This letter was written solely for the purpose of explaining and expressing my feelings. I did think of a certain person when I wrote this but it is just a crush and nothing else.In fact, I found out he has a girlfriend and is quite taken with her....anybody want to question the curse??***

Learning to Be Lonely: All I Ever Wanted

My lips cannot contain

My mind cannot conceive

That He will be my Everything

And He is All I need

This past summer I received the opportunity to listen to my pastor’s preaching every Wednesday night. I’m usually teaching my little munchkins songs and Bible stories on Wednesday nights; however, for the summer we take a break. Goodness knows we (the teachers) need it greatly. I’ve always enjoyed church and listening to my pastor's messages but my mind tends to wander. I confess that I’ve had many a daydream through his sermons and missed half of what my pastor was trying to say even though he is a great preacher. This summer I determined to listen intently to what he was speaking about and to really seek God on the matters of life close to my heart. It has truly been a rewarding and eye opening summer. One of the first messages my pastor gave was on how to discern God’s will for your life. I really took that message to heart and followed what my pastor had said. I began to set aside time to read my Bible and pray. I started to change some aspects of my life that need to changing. I tried to really listen to people and take time out to be with them. I started keeping promises that I had made. I apologized more and learned how to swallow my pride instead of let it carry me away. I learned that being a good friend does not mean that I have to be a mother. I found out that trust can be easily broken and the hurt that comes from it is very hard to rebuild. The most important thing I discovered was a few days ago. I finally learned what truly all I ever wanted was.

The objective of my affection and desire has been a husband for as long as I can remember. All I ever wanted was a husband and someone to share the rest of my life with. In my mind, it’s a simple request. I was not asking for an Aaron Rodgers (although it would be nice*wink*) or a Bill Gates (bring on the shopping!!), I was just asking for a man. If he can sing, is single, and is saved, he qualifies. My desire and affections have never been satisfied as needless to say I have not found a singing saved man that happens to be single. I bet you were surprised. A friend once said, “Men are like a parking lot: all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are those that are far out or handicapped (in the mental sense not physical).“ The older I get the more I agree with her. For those women who have found a good man, keep him! You won’t find another one. The odds are very slim out there in the real world. Moving on...because my deepest desire was not fulfilled I would get frustrated and disheartened. For instance, one weekend my mom was shopping for her dress for my brother’s wedding. We went to every bridal shop in town looking for a dress. I had a great time but I couldn’t help but wonder what my experience would be like. When I shop for my wedding dress, I am truly going to savor that moment since I've waited (still am) so long for it.The dress shopping wasn't so bad, my mom found a great dress for the occasion but what was really hard was the craving that I had for that once-in-a-lifetime moment. I was determined to see the bright side of life and swallowed the sadness that threatened to ruin everything about that weekend. I’m glad I did for that weekend turned out to be one of the best weekends in my life. I attended two great Southern Gospel concerts: one for the Kingsmen and one for Brian Free and Assurance. I even had my picture taken with Brian Free and Assurance. The whole group!!!! Yay! Here’s my evidence…

Despite how wonderful the weekend was, my desire and affections still remained unfulfilled only to rise up again at the most inopportune time. I started listening to the CDs I had purchased over the weekend and started seeking God even more. I wanted an answer and I was tired of waiting for that love at first sight moment. I didn’t want to scan the pews of the church seeking a single man anymore. I felt like a lion scanning the horizon for fresh meat sometimes. I hated seeking others advice for the same problem over and over hoping that this time someone would give me a different answer. I looked for any answer to satisfy the need within. That was my problem. I looked for anything and not the one thing. So I started praying and seeking more. I was content to wait on God this time as I have discovered that His answers sometimes take a lot of time to get to you. The answer finally came and my wish to have that one thing I ever wanted was granted. It happened around midnight when God revealed it to me. All I ever wanted was… God. God was the answer to my desires and affections. It wasn’t a guy or money but it was Him. I sat there for a second and pulled my phone out to listen to the song He’s My Everything by the Cunningham Sisters. The song took on a new meaning to me and as the tears flowed gently down my face I became happy and content. I can definitively say that that moment in time was the closest I have ever been in fellowship with God. As the song continued to play and the words continue to speak to my heart, I felt gratefulness, peace, and love. Gratefulness to God for giving the lyricist just the right words, peace that God had granted my greatest desire, and  God’s love showing telling me no matter how much I mess things up I will still be loved. My desire never changed but the object of my affection had. I know realize that having a guy is not what I wanted. It was having God in every aspect of my life.

When all that I have left is Jesus

All that I can see is Him

When only He is watching over me

I’ll have the only one I’ll ever need

He’s the shoulder I have need to cry on

His face will be always turned to me

His will be the hand I hold when I am all alone

He will see when I’m falling to my knees

I am becoming more and more content to let God lead and to let me watch. I am really excited about what the future holds as I have grown so much in the past year that I can’t wait to see what God will show me next. As the Bible says for godliness with contentment is great gain. For those of you out there seeking your greatest desire, I encourage you to seek God. Only He can satisfy any desire great or small that you have. The answer may come right away but most times it takes work and effort on your part. You will find that He is truly everything you need.

Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

Learning to Be Lonely: Life's Greatest Disappointments

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise?

“I really think that he is the one!” I excitedly told my friend as we sat in the nursery discussing relationships. I had met this tall, dark and handsome young man at another church and I had convinced myself that he was the one. I had only talked to him for a brief moment but I knew that he was the one I was destined to marry. Starry-eyed and a little stalkerish, I found him on Facebook. He had a wonderful name and a lot of friends. I sent the friend request with some hesitation. I only met him for a second but I sent him a somewhat cheery message saying how I met him and invited him to a get together our group was having. He accepted my friend request but not the invitation to the get together. A little disappointed but still determined, I continued to look for opportunities for us to meet again and soon a well-known speaker came to our church. I was absolutely sure he would come and we would meet and he would ask me out and we would live happily ever after. This run-on sentence was my exact thought that day as I sent him a message inviting him to the services. He seemed excited and said that he might come. I was on cloud nine. That whole week I waited anxiously for him to come to church and sweep me off my feet but he never did. It was all in vain. A few weeks later his relationship status changed from Single to In a Relationship. Dun, dun, dun, the curse struck again. This was literally the tenth time that the curse had shattered my dreams. I let myself get caught up in the moment and my world came crashing down around me. I had put so much expectation and time into something that I knew wasn’t worth it. I was disappointed in myself for letting myself run free and uncontrolled. There was no one to blame but me.

My life has an unusual way of repeating itself in others. Two of my friends have gone through the same kind of disappointment this year: one has reacted the correct way, the other unfortunately has not. I know everyone reacts differently to disappointments. Some people hole themselves up in a room for a day or so, others seek to find revenge on the one who disappointed them, some distract themselves by staying busy, some cry endless tears, others bottle it up inside to pretend they’re strong. There is no blueprint or recipe for dealing with disappointments. Yet I can assure you this that there are right ways and there are wrong ways in dealing with disappointment. I think many people chose to react the wrong way because along with disappointment comes the aching hurt that can’t be satisfied. When you finally thought you found what your heart craved most and that maybe, just maybe God was finally answering your prayer only to find out that your heart will have to continue on craving. How could this happen? Our minds immediately go to the questions, “What did I do to make this happen? Could this have been avoided? How do I make this right?” followed by tears and the emphatic statements “I hate him/her. I’ll never speak to him/her again.” We get carried away by emotions and that in itself is normal. You are going to be hurt because it was something your heart strongly desired. The point is not to let your emotions run your life. Take control of them and don’t get swept away in a current of hurt. The farther downstream you go the harder you have to work to get back on track.

If you google dealing with disappointments you’ll find hundreds even thousands of different sure ways to deal with it. Being no stranger to disappointments (I’ve had quite a few) I shall now add my four not-so-easy ways. Excited yet? It takes time and it is hard but it works for me. Without further introduction here are my ways in dealing with disappointments. First, everyone in the world does not need to know that you are hurting inside or needs to know every text and word that was spoken. Please talk to your friends, they can support you in getting through this but don’t take an ad out in the New York Times announcing it. Second, let yourself let it go. Time heals all wounds is one of the worst clichés I’ve ever heard. Time does not heal emotional scars. Rose Kennedy says it best “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” Emotional scars never heal. They will always be there lurking in the shadows until the most opportune moment comes for them to resurface. Give yourself some time to deal with what life has so cruelly handed you. Most times I just need to come to terms with it. Once I have done that I can proceed to the next step. Third, forgive yourself and others. Your very next thought after a disappointment occurs is probably not forgiveness. Yet we have moved on from that. It’s time to put this to rest. If it was all your fault and doing, forgive yourself for making a mistake. You are a human, it didn’t turn out the way you expected, forgive yourself and learn from your mistake. If it was someone else’s fault, forgive them as well. You don’t have to be the best of friends after that. They have broken your trust and they need to prove to you that they are worth trusting again. You will find that forgiveness will greatly ease the pain caused by them. Finally, realize that this disappointment could save you even greater disappointment down the road. I’ve had many things disappointment me only to find out later down the road that I was saved a lot of hurt. It was a blessing that I went through the disappointment so early before I got so involved that I would be devastated and unable to move on. I am an optimist by trade so it comes easier to see the “bright” side in life. If it’s harder for you determine in your heart that you refuse to dwell on the negative and do it.

Life will have its share of disappointments and it’s almost guaranteed that every one of them will hurt. There will be major and minor disappointments but remember don’t let it beat you and don’t ever let it turn you bitter. That’s not good for anyone. Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

Learning to Be Lonely Part Three: Therewith to be Content

I’m waiting, I’m waiting on you Lord

And I am hopeful

I’m waiting on you Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently I will wait

It was the day of the company picnic. Many of us had worked very hard to keep the company afloat from the recent layoffs in which 15 employees lost their jobs. Our CEO decided that we needed a moment to relax and enjoy a break from the craziness surrounding us. We enjoyed a lunch of slightly charcoaled hot dogs and burgers, not that I complaining any free meal is a good meal. As soon as we finished, our CEO started to read from a list of names. I anxiously waited for him to call mine but alas it did not happen. He finished reading the list and excitedly announced to those people whose names were just read “You’re going home early for the day”. Half of the workforce was given a paid half-day off while the rest of us (including me) were told to be patient and eventually something would be figured out for us. A little bit steamed I headed back to my desk with my mind filled with anger and complaints that I am not going to repeat here. Then the phrase “therewith to be content” popped into my mind. God was showing me that I needed to be content with any situation handed to me. Begrudgingly I swallowed my anger/jealousy and made myself wish those people a good half-day off. I’m not going to lie about how I felt and say that I enjoyed saying have a happy day off. Sorry to say it hurt even worse to talk to them but I knew it was the right thing to do. I eventually got over my jealousy and continued about my workday looking forward to the weekend’s activities. Like my parents say life isn’t always fair

So what does it mean to truly be content? Webster’s Dictionary defines it simply as satisfied. Paul wrote in the book of Philippians saying “Not that I speak in respect or want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content”.  Whatsoever state literally means whatsoever state. Whatever stage in life I am, I must be content. The feeling of life moving on for others and me standing still is something that I have to get used to. It’s that plain and simple. It’s not because I did anything wrong but because today is the day that God wants me to be single. Tomorrow I might meet the man of my dreams or I might go to bed dreaming of the moment we shall meet. Whatever the outcome of tomorrow I must remember to be content in God’s will and trust that He knows what is the best for me. A song comes to mind that I heard awhile ago called Trust His Heart. The chorus goes “God is too wise to be mistaken, God is too good to be unkind, So when you don't understand, When you don't see His plan, When you can't trace His hand, Trust His Heart”. When you can’t see where God is moving in your life or circumstances, remember that God loves you deeply and He would never do anything that would wreck your life. It’s so hard for me to relinquish the fact that God will take care of it. I’m so scared that I am going to end up with someone I hate. Why would I or should I think that? God would never put me with someone I hate but I guess that’s the way us humans think.

I continue to struggle with contentment as I have come to find out that I am a very jealous person. For instance, when someone is recognized for their hard work, the question “Why didn’t you recognize me” comes to my mind instead of being genuinely happy for that person. When someone is chosen over me no matter how innocent the choice “Why didn’t you choose me?”  is the question raised instead of the fact that they wanted to give that person a chance to do something. Some of you might say that is natural but I say it’s a wrong kind of natural. I can’t live my life being jealous of people. I need to live my life to be content with what opportunities God provides. I can’t walk around moping because someone picked Susie Q over me to play the piano. I need to realize that there are 3 other piano players in our church and I need to (for lack of a better term) back off. I must confess I am most jealous not about other people’s relationships but about playing piano in church. There have been many (emphasis on many) times, I have gotten very greedy and angry if someone doesn’t pick me or I am someone’s last choice. I don’t understand where this comes from and I know that it’s not right. I Timothy 6:5-8 states “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.” God didn’t give me the musical ability to play the piano and sing in order for me to be jealous and greedy over every little incident. He gave it to me to worship Him only. If I never play piano for church again and if everyone else picks Susie Q over me to play for their specials, then I must remember to be content. God entrusted me with a special gift and I haven’t been a great steward about it. I must confess there are many times I play the piano for my glory instead of God’s all because I was in state of discontent. I wasn’t content to use my abilities the way God had intended for me to use them. How could I be so stupid? What was I thinking? God wants me to glorify Him and when I finally learn to do that God will open wide the doors of opportunity.

So, today is the moment in time that jealousy and discontentment stop running my life. Today is the day that I will start to learn what it truly means to be content in whatever state I am in. Today is another step in my journey of learning to be lonely by being content with my present. Looking ahead, I realize it’s going to be a hard journey. Looking back, I realize that I’ve come so far that it’s too late to turn back now. Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

Learning to Be Lonely Part Two: Facing My Demons

I've dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons

Finally content with the past I regret

I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness

For once I’m at peace with myself

I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long

I’m moving on

In order for me to move forward in my journey of learning to become lonely and to accept the future, I must deal with the past. The ghosts, the demons, the regrets, the past mistakes, the wrongs done to me, and the wrongs I have done all haunt me from day to day. Some are regular occurrences and others are hidden so deep that I have forgotten that they are there. They all bring sorrow and regret every time they surface. I will never get rid of them because they are engraved in my mind and written in my heart. Before I delve into the heart of the matter, I would like to explain what I mean by facing my demons. If you Google the phrase Facing Your Demons you will find that it means to face your fears or something that you have tried to avoid. I believe that it goes much deeper than just facing something you are trying to avoid. Of course, you would always want to avoid demons; they tend to not make the best of friends. I believe the phrase means to deal with those things tucked and hidden away in your heart that no one knows about. Demons are the worst things (in my mind) that you have done or that someone has done to you. Avoiding them does not make them haunt you any less in fact more often than not it makes it worse. I must face my demons…

Demon #1 is not something that I have done or some fear I need to deal with, it’s something that someone has done to me. (The names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent.) After my family and I moved from Rochester, NY to Wilson, NC, I lost many friends. Let me preface this story by saying that throughout my life, I have never really fit in with anybody. I am a drifter. I am one who tends to do their own thing whether everyone is on board or not. At this point in my life, I was a bold tween who had problems fitting into people’s molds. I realize now I had made a horrible decision and have since learned fitting into a certain people’s molds is unrealistic. Back to the story, I met a girl named Jenny who was around my age and we started hanging out with each other. Jenny was fun to be with. She had a great laugh, she was artistic like me, and she played the piano. We hit it off and soon became (in my mind) good friends. We sat together in church, played duets on the piano, and had sleepovers. Soon a new girl around our age named Susie came and joined the church. She came from an broken family and needed good friends so Jenny and I started hanging out with her. Soon Jenny and Susie started hitting it off and Jenny started hanging out more with Susie. What happened to me? Well, Jenny and I drifted further and further apart until we stopped talking altogether. Jenny and Susie always hung out together. They dressed alike, played duets, and shopped together. Wherever Jenny was there was Susie right behind here. A lot of silent hurt was done and ever since then life was somehow never been the same for me. The feeling of being forgotten became a regular occurrence in that time period and I’ve had problems “getting over it”. I have never faced Jenny to tell her how I felt. I felt that Jenny didn’t hang around me because of things that I had done. I started to distance myself from them to avoid the hurt and started building the walls that would take many years to bring down. Jenny eventually realized that I had placed distance between her and Susie and tried to reach out but in my mind the damage had been done. I refused her without the slightest hesitation and never looked back. I had to protect myself from being hurt again. She never really apologized for the hurt she caused. I don’t know why and up to know I could care less. Even today, I am very scared to meet and grow close to people for fear of this happening again. The walls and the distance I placed in between myself and my friends never really came down until a few years ago when I met my church friends. I started my healing process and some walls still remain. If I start feeling awkward I start distancing myself and become afraid of the hurt that might be caused. For me to face this demon and start removing the rest of the walls, I have to forgive her. I have never really forgiven Jenny for what she has done and in order for me to move on with my life, I need too. So Jenny, I forgive you for the hurt and the pain that has been caused by this situation. Forgive me for rejecting you. God bless you in your life.

Demon #2 is my past. This is the biggest demon by far and it has held me in its grasp for far, far too long. Like the rest of the world, I have regrets. Regrets that appear from a word, song, sign, movie, or place. I can go along happy in the world for one minute and the next minute I’m doubled over in agony for those things I most regret doing. Time for the confession…this is really hard to say and I have debated not going into so much detail but in order for me to encourage others I must. From the time I was a teenager until my early 20’s, I was a pathological liar to my parents, pastor, and almost anyone. I aimed to please others and I would accomplish that my any means necessary. One of those means was lying. I broke the trust of my parents and hurt them deeply. I lied about the big things like why I was late from work to the little things like why I didn’t turn on the dryer. It was a struggle and many tears were shed as well as heated arguments given. I started to dislike my parents and planned on moving out. Thankfully, God was watching over me and protected me from my own self. I always knew I could walk out the door into oblivion but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was ready to forget God, my family, and my friends all for nothing but I just couldn’t do it. I attended Crown College in 2007 and dared God to change me. I was so angry, hurt, and confused that I couldn’t bear to change. I was tired of trying to fit into people’s molds and it coming down to crash in my face. I was done with everything. I tried to keep the anger in and put on the façade of a lovely Christian young lady but my anger started spilling out till it all came crashing down on me. I was tired of fighting and that’s when God got a hold of me and saved me from myself (again). He changed me and in March of 2008 I rededicated my life to the Lord. God has been working in my life since and I am thankful every day for what He has done for me. The past still haunts me despite my parents and God’s forgiveness so it’s time for me to deal with it. It’s time for me to forgive myself for the wrongs I have done to me. Christa, I forgive you for hurting your parents and your friends. I forgive you for the anger that you have lashed out on me. I forgive you for trying to forget everything and everyone that made you into what you are today. You are a beautiful girl inside and out. Show the world. You are forgiven. Face your demons and move on. I love you.

In conclusion: To you out there (single or not) that have those demons and ghost haunting you, face them and move on.  You will never forget but just now that God’s forgiveness goes as deep as God’s love. How deep is it? It’s never ending. It’s not easy but it’s worth it.

Until next time,

Be Happy being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

P.S. Shout-out to my Uncle Bill, Eric, Mom, Dad, and Leann. Thank you for your faithfulness in reading my blog. Thank you also for your very kind words.