Today was a bad day. Today a tsunami wave of depression crashed upon the shores of my heart threatening to destroy all the progress I made in the past year. It's terror swept me out to the angry sea. The howling winds matched the force of the anger the black sky showed. Heavy raindrops pelted my skin with unwavering ferocity. Cracks of lightning followed by the sound of thunder flashed across the angry sky. The weight attached to me threatened to pull me under any second. I struggled to avoid drowning and my only thoughts were to keep my head above water. I didn't want to go under again. After all of the progress I had made in the last year, I just couldn't. The storm finally let up and I made my way back to the shore of safety and rested. The horizon was no longer dark with menacing black clouds but was brilliantly light by the bright sun. A few wispy clouds slowly crawled by and a small breeze began to blow. I had made it out and I had survived another storm. It was going to be ok, actually I was going to be ok.
I sat alone in my bedroom at midnight trying to hold the tears back. I had to be strong and I couldn't face it. The hurt pierced my heart like knife and there was no way I could break free. I tried my best to ignore it by going to my #1 comfort: food. I resisted the bag of Birthday Cake M&Ms on my dresser and decided to read my Bible to try and suppress the feelings deep inside of me. "Why me? Why couldn't it be me?" my thoughts rang out. I couldn't listen to them or I would cry. I couldn't concentrate at all and soon enough, my thoughts overwhelmed me as I began to softly weep. I thought to myself, "How stupid is this? There are people in the world without food, jobs, good health, parents, etc. and you are crying about this. Stop it Christa!" I gasped for my breath and tried to calm myself down willing the tears to stop but they wouldn't. I would gain control for a moment only to lose it in the next. I couldn't help but think what my friends and family would think if they saw me here in my bedroom in tears crying over this stupid reason. I imagined some of them would call me a fool and tell me to get over myself. There would be one who would tell me to be patient and of course the one who would look at me in pity and shake their head. It's not easy being single in a relationship-minded world and some have forgotten what it's like. For those who can't comprehend what I'm saying, imagine that for 10 years of your life you wanted a job. Everyone else around you (or so it seemed) had a job and enjoyed it very much. They constantly talked about their job, about how much fun it was, and how rewarding the benefits were. You knew in your mind that there were downsides to having a job: arguments with the manager, lousy pay, and strict rules but you knew in your heart that the positives outweighed the negatives. You would voice your opinion to others on how much you wanted a job but no one could give you one....you had to find one yourself (figuratively). You were told to be patient, it'll come when you least expect it, or you've got nothing to worry about. The years began to drone on as other friends were hired into wonderful jobs with some even getting benefits right away. All the while, the only advice you have received is patience. You try to ignore the feelings of frustration by eating, music, writing, etc. anything that can take your mind off the situation but yet it's still there. Some days you feel anxious and excited for what the future holds yet other days holds depression and angry questions of why. Most of your friends now have jobs and it seems like every time you turn around someone else just became a new employee while you stay in your rut of joblessness. There is no end in sight. Tell me, how would you feel? Happy? Joyful? Sad? Depressed? Singled out? Now, replace the thought of a job with the thought of a spouse and you've got a taste of what a single person has gone through.
Yes, there are other people in this world without jobs, homes, food, family, health, etc. but you and I are a humans and we have feelings. I'm here to tell you it's ok to feel that pang of sadness when someone announces a new relationship, marriage, baby, etc. It's ok to cry and let it out. It becomes not ok when we dwell on it letting it fester in our lives until we become bitter at the world around us. I understand your heart and how badly you want this but it'll be ok. There is no stronger person than someone who has been single for any period of time so I have no doubt you'll make it through. Go ahead and cry but when you finish wipe away your tears and hold your head up high because you have nothing to be ashamed about. Now, go out and help those that are without food, jobs, homes, family, and good health. Invest your time into things that do good for the community, others, animals, churches, etc. Don't dwell on it! However, when the time comes that the sadness is too much, cry it out, scream it out, do whatever you feel you need to do...then pick yourself back up and continue on. You can do it! You will make it! If it gives you any comfort, I am in the same boat/ocean you are. I understand what you are going through to the max believe me, I do. Keep going!
Until next time,
Be Happy Today!
I sat alone in my bedroom at midnight trying to hold the tears back. I had to be strong and I couldn't face it. The hurt pierced my heart like knife and there was no way I could break free. I tried my best to ignore it by going to my #1 comfort: food. I resisted the bag of Birthday Cake M&Ms on my dresser and decided to read my Bible to try and suppress the feelings deep inside of me. "Why me? Why couldn't it be me?" my thoughts rang out. I couldn't listen to them or I would cry. I couldn't concentrate at all and soon enough, my thoughts overwhelmed me as I began to softly weep. I thought to myself, "How stupid is this? There are people in the world without food, jobs, good health, parents, etc. and you are crying about this. Stop it Christa!" I gasped for my breath and tried to calm myself down willing the tears to stop but they wouldn't. I would gain control for a moment only to lose it in the next. I couldn't help but think what my friends and family would think if they saw me here in my bedroom in tears crying over this stupid reason. I imagined some of them would call me a fool and tell me to get over myself. There would be one who would tell me to be patient and of course the one who would look at me in pity and shake their head. It's not easy being single in a relationship-minded world and some have forgotten what it's like. For those who can't comprehend what I'm saying, imagine that for 10 years of your life you wanted a job. Everyone else around you (or so it seemed) had a job and enjoyed it very much. They constantly talked about their job, about how much fun it was, and how rewarding the benefits were. You knew in your mind that there were downsides to having a job: arguments with the manager, lousy pay, and strict rules but you knew in your heart that the positives outweighed the negatives. You would voice your opinion to others on how much you wanted a job but no one could give you one....you had to find one yourself (figuratively). You were told to be patient, it'll come when you least expect it, or you've got nothing to worry about. The years began to drone on as other friends were hired into wonderful jobs with some even getting benefits right away. All the while, the only advice you have received is patience. You try to ignore the feelings of frustration by eating, music, writing, etc. anything that can take your mind off the situation but yet it's still there. Some days you feel anxious and excited for what the future holds yet other days holds depression and angry questions of why. Most of your friends now have jobs and it seems like every time you turn around someone else just became a new employee while you stay in your rut of joblessness. There is no end in sight. Tell me, how would you feel? Happy? Joyful? Sad? Depressed? Singled out? Now, replace the thought of a job with the thought of a spouse and you've got a taste of what a single person has gone through.
Yes, there are other people in this world without jobs, homes, food, family, health, etc. but you and I are a humans and we have feelings. I'm here to tell you it's ok to feel that pang of sadness when someone announces a new relationship, marriage, baby, etc. It's ok to cry and let it out. It becomes not ok when we dwell on it letting it fester in our lives until we become bitter at the world around us. I understand your heart and how badly you want this but it'll be ok. There is no stronger person than someone who has been single for any period of time so I have no doubt you'll make it through. Go ahead and cry but when you finish wipe away your tears and hold your head up high because you have nothing to be ashamed about. Now, go out and help those that are without food, jobs, homes, family, and good health. Invest your time into things that do good for the community, others, animals, churches, etc. Don't dwell on it! However, when the time comes that the sadness is too much, cry it out, scream it out, do whatever you feel you need to do...then pick yourself back up and continue on. You can do it! You will make it! If it gives you any comfort, I am in the same boat/ocean you are. I understand what you are going through to the max believe me, I do. Keep going!
Until next time,
Be Happy Today!
Christa
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