You carried all
the pain and buried all the shame
When You made
that rugged tree
Your Righteous
Throne
Because of You,
I'll never walk alone.
“But Christa you’re not happy.” Those words rang in my ears like a bell
tolling the impending danger of a storm ahead. I searched my brain analyzing
every moment of every day searching for a reason to prove her wrong but I
couldn’t find any. My head was in a tailspin and I could feel the wave of
sadness sweep over me in a matter of seconds. My world had gone from perfect to
shambles in a second. I felt deflated, disappointed, and vulnerable. I reached
for the tissues and sobbed. I didn’t hold back the tears for I knew that this
was what I needed to hear. It was hard for me to grasp and I’m sure it was hard
for my friend to bring the news. Yet like the Bible says, Faithful are the
wounds of a friend. I was grateful that she thought enough of me to say
something. Enough to point me in the right direction and to wake me up from the
dream I had buried myself into in. This was the second time I had cried today.
For someone who was supposed to be strong and endure my former self was but a
shadow and I was left vulnerable to the truth and the reality of who I really
was. I was a fool. Ungrateful for the things that God had provided me looking
only after myself instead of looking after my friends. My mind drifted towards
the time I heard a friend was expecting. My first reaction? Anger and jealousy.
As the scenes played in my mind, each time I heard a friend was being blessed
with anything: money, job, marriage, baby, etc. my first reaction was anger at
my situation and jealousy towards them. How many times did I have to make
myself happy in front of them but alone be caught in the rage of jealousy
wondering how they got on the good side of God. Wondering why God left me alone
to watch everyone else succeed and left me struggling and fighting for every
word of praise. I became disappointed in myself for acting like a 3-year old
child. I apologized to my friend profusely and she reassured me that everything
would turn out just fine. I could not change the past but I could change the
future. She told me that happiness was a choice. I have clung to that 4 word
sentence ever since. I began to meditate on it on its true meaning. Happiness
was a choice not a feeling. You can make your own choices but you can’t make
your own feelings. I determined to choose to be happy instead of make myself
being happy. I decided to take control of my jealousy and stop making excuses
for the way I had behaved. I was determined that nothing would stop me.
That was last Wednesday. Saturday a text came from one of my best
friends announcing that she had become engaged. My instant reaction to be
honest was mixed: some jealousy and some happiness. I said to myself over and
over I choose to be happy about this, I choose to be happy about this, I choose
to be happy about this. It was amazing to feel happy about a situation instead
of jealous for once. I had no signs of depression, sadness, or anger. It felt
good to free myself from it all. Later that night, I found out that another one
of my friends became engaged to a guy that I used to like. Again my reaction
was mixed but I fought the jealousy that threatened me and eventually victory
became mine. It felt satisfying to not be jealous. A change came over me. I
didn’t feel negative and depressed. I didn’t complain about my situation but
instead was truly genuinely happy. As much as people tried to bait me in
complaining I was determined not to fall into that trap again. Saturday night,
I knelt down beside my bed and prayed to God for strength and happiness. At
this point in time, I feel like He is the only one Who truly understands how I
feel, how I react to situations, and how to help me. I still felt alone and I
prayed that God would just send someone my way to encourage me and to let me
know I was still loved. The next day was Sunday and my sister-in-law presented
me with a gift of music note earrings just because. I immediately thanked God
as my spirit soared and I felt so encouraged that God had answered my prayer.
He really does hear and answer.
So what does this have to do with being alone? Glad you asked and glad
you’re still with me. I am an independent person and I thought I didn’t mind
going to concerts, the gym, shopping, etc. alone. If I’m determined to go I’m going.
That usually works for one or two things then I get caught up in my
surroundings. I see all the couples snuggled up together, holding hands, happy
with their lives. Then I see all the girls with their friends laughing and
joking. I see the singer devoting his time and effort to his love of music and savoring
every minute of it. I used to react by getting depressed, jealous, and angry
followed by the act of making myself happy. There was just one problem. As
stated before, making myself happy didn’t mean I was truly happy. There always
was an undercurrent of jealousy or envy or even anger. I thought that this was
normal and that I had would have to go through life battling them at every
corner and turn. Surprise! I was wrong. Instead of making myself happy I should
have chosen to be happy. I felt the need to share this with you my readers
because I feel that this might help each and every one of us married and alike.
Being alone to anyone no matter how independent is a scary thing. I
feel that is the main reason why I don’t stick with things i.e. working out,
diet, etc. is because I don’t want to do it alone. If I had someone who was
willing to help me I believe I would succeed. Unfortunately, that is not the
case. Not that my friends don’t want to see me succeed but that things tend to
be forgotten and sometimes that means me. Because I don’t whine the most or
loudest or because I don’t show my feelings as outward as some people means
that I am forgotten in some cases. So that means that sometimes I have to deal
with things alone. I get tired and I get discouraged. However, being passed
over has brought closer to God. He has seen my tears, heard my deepest wishes,
and gave me comfort during the most trying times. He is the best friend that I
have. So truly I am not alone in this world and that is something I choose to
be happy about.
Until next time,
Choose to be Happy
Always Remember to Sing in the Rain
Christa
