Learning to Be Lonely Part Two: Facing My Demons

I've dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons

Finally content with the past I regret

I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness

For once I’m at peace with myself

I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long

I’m moving on

In order for me to move forward in my journey of learning to become lonely and to accept the future, I must deal with the past. The ghosts, the demons, the regrets, the past mistakes, the wrongs done to me, and the wrongs I have done all haunt me from day to day. Some are regular occurrences and others are hidden so deep that I have forgotten that they are there. They all bring sorrow and regret every time they surface. I will never get rid of them because they are engraved in my mind and written in my heart. Before I delve into the heart of the matter, I would like to explain what I mean by facing my demons. If you Google the phrase Facing Your Demons you will find that it means to face your fears or something that you have tried to avoid. I believe that it goes much deeper than just facing something you are trying to avoid. Of course, you would always want to avoid demons; they tend to not make the best of friends. I believe the phrase means to deal with those things tucked and hidden away in your heart that no one knows about. Demons are the worst things (in my mind) that you have done or that someone has done to you. Avoiding them does not make them haunt you any less in fact more often than not it makes it worse. I must face my demons…

Demon #1 is not something that I have done or some fear I need to deal with, it’s something that someone has done to me. (The names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent.) After my family and I moved from Rochester, NY to Wilson, NC, I lost many friends. Let me preface this story by saying that throughout my life, I have never really fit in with anybody. I am a drifter. I am one who tends to do their own thing whether everyone is on board or not. At this point in my life, I was a bold tween who had problems fitting into people’s molds. I realize now I had made a horrible decision and have since learned fitting into a certain people’s molds is unrealistic. Back to the story, I met a girl named Jenny who was around my age and we started hanging out with each other. Jenny was fun to be with. She had a great laugh, she was artistic like me, and she played the piano. We hit it off and soon became (in my mind) good friends. We sat together in church, played duets on the piano, and had sleepovers. Soon a new girl around our age named Susie came and joined the church. She came from an broken family and needed good friends so Jenny and I started hanging out with her. Soon Jenny and Susie started hitting it off and Jenny started hanging out more with Susie. What happened to me? Well, Jenny and I drifted further and further apart until we stopped talking altogether. Jenny and Susie always hung out together. They dressed alike, played duets, and shopped together. Wherever Jenny was there was Susie right behind here. A lot of silent hurt was done and ever since then life was somehow never been the same for me. The feeling of being forgotten became a regular occurrence in that time period and I’ve had problems “getting over it”. I have never faced Jenny to tell her how I felt. I felt that Jenny didn’t hang around me because of things that I had done. I started to distance myself from them to avoid the hurt and started building the walls that would take many years to bring down. Jenny eventually realized that I had placed distance between her and Susie and tried to reach out but in my mind the damage had been done. I refused her without the slightest hesitation and never looked back. I had to protect myself from being hurt again. She never really apologized for the hurt she caused. I don’t know why and up to know I could care less. Even today, I am very scared to meet and grow close to people for fear of this happening again. The walls and the distance I placed in between myself and my friends never really came down until a few years ago when I met my church friends. I started my healing process and some walls still remain. If I start feeling awkward I start distancing myself and become afraid of the hurt that might be caused. For me to face this demon and start removing the rest of the walls, I have to forgive her. I have never really forgiven Jenny for what she has done and in order for me to move on with my life, I need too. So Jenny, I forgive you for the hurt and the pain that has been caused by this situation. Forgive me for rejecting you. God bless you in your life.

Demon #2 is my past. This is the biggest demon by far and it has held me in its grasp for far, far too long. Like the rest of the world, I have regrets. Regrets that appear from a word, song, sign, movie, or place. I can go along happy in the world for one minute and the next minute I’m doubled over in agony for those things I most regret doing. Time for the confession…this is really hard to say and I have debated not going into so much detail but in order for me to encourage others I must. From the time I was a teenager until my early 20’s, I was a pathological liar to my parents, pastor, and almost anyone. I aimed to please others and I would accomplish that my any means necessary. One of those means was lying. I broke the trust of my parents and hurt them deeply. I lied about the big things like why I was late from work to the little things like why I didn’t turn on the dryer. It was a struggle and many tears were shed as well as heated arguments given. I started to dislike my parents and planned on moving out. Thankfully, God was watching over me and protected me from my own self. I always knew I could walk out the door into oblivion but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was ready to forget God, my family, and my friends all for nothing but I just couldn’t do it. I attended Crown College in 2007 and dared God to change me. I was so angry, hurt, and confused that I couldn’t bear to change. I was tired of trying to fit into people’s molds and it coming down to crash in my face. I was done with everything. I tried to keep the anger in and put on the façade of a lovely Christian young lady but my anger started spilling out till it all came crashing down on me. I was tired of fighting and that’s when God got a hold of me and saved me from myself (again). He changed me and in March of 2008 I rededicated my life to the Lord. God has been working in my life since and I am thankful every day for what He has done for me. The past still haunts me despite my parents and God’s forgiveness so it’s time for me to deal with it. It’s time for me to forgive myself for the wrongs I have done to me. Christa, I forgive you for hurting your parents and your friends. I forgive you for the anger that you have lashed out on me. I forgive you for trying to forget everything and everyone that made you into what you are today. You are a beautiful girl inside and out. Show the world. You are forgiven. Face your demons and move on. I love you.

In conclusion: To you out there (single or not) that have those demons and ghost haunting you, face them and move on.  You will never forget but just now that God’s forgiveness goes as deep as God’s love. How deep is it? It’s never ending. It’s not easy but it’s worth it.

Until next time,

Be Happy being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

P.S. Shout-out to my Uncle Bill, Eric, Mom, Dad, and Leann. Thank you for your faithfulness in reading my blog. Thank you also for your very kind words.

Learning To Be Lonely Part One: Dealing with the Loneliness

Child of the wilderness

Born into emptiness

Learn to be lonely

Learn to find your way in darkness

The Phantom of the Opera is one of the most classic love stories of all time. If you’ve never seen it, the movie/Broadway play is about a woman named Christine who is caught between two lovers: one whom she loves (Raul) and one whom is infatuated with her (the Phantom).  I won’t ruin the ending for you but the choice is clear to me who she should have chosen to marry. Unfortunately, he didn’t make that choice and I was thoroughly disappointed in her decision making skills. Anyways, the song Learn to be Lonely is played during the credits for the movie (not the play). This song has been in my head all day especially the first verse. I never grasped the meaning of the song until inspiration hit me. Before I continue, I wanted to say that I know it’s been a long absence from when I wrote my last post but to tell the truth I didn’t have anything to write besides sadness. This blog isn’t meant for sadness and I realize I am not accomplishing what I intended too when I first started this blog. No one wants to read about my depressing days. I don’t even want to read about them. So I apologize from the deepest depths of my heart on this. I took the time off from blogging to refocus and gain inspiration from my family, God, and music. To be honest, I missed blogging but it was important for me to refocus. Hence this post...now back to the song. Here are a few facts about loneliness: A 2006 study from American Sociological Review  showed that Americans have on average 2 close friends and also showed that 25% of Americans stated that they had no close friends. That is sad to me. Everyone should have that one friend in whom they can confide in. If you don’t have that, life can be very difficult. It’s a fact that humans don’t want to be alone. There is something inside of us that makes us want to be around people. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to face ourselves; maybe it’s because everything is more fun with people. For each of us, it’s different and we all have to answer the question within ourselves of what makes us lonely. For me, it’s when I feel like life is flying by for other people but drags on for me. Is there an answer? Unfortunately, there is no open and shut case, no definitive answer, and no foolproof solution. Loneliness has no concern on whether or not single or in a relationship. It can appear at anytime, anywhere, and on any occasion. It can happen in a crowded room as easily it can happen when you lie down to sleep at night. Loneliness can be discouraging and annoying all at the same time.

That being said how do you deal with it? What is the key to releasing it from your mind? As stated before there is no one solution to getting rid of loneliness. Sorry to say but you will never get rid of it for it always has its way of creeping up on you. The way to deal with loneliness is to learn to be lonely and to be comfortable with the feeling. Not sure what I mean? We shall use the superhero Hulk for an example. Bruce Banner turns into an ugly green monster (aka Hulk) when he gets angry. If you watched the movie Avengers, one of Hulk’s key lines is when he answers Captain America’s request for him to get angry. His response? I’m always angry. Say what? Through the process of time Bruce Banner (Hulk) learned that in order to avoid struggling with his anger and risk being Hulk at any moment, he should embrace his anger as a part of him and learn to live with it. I know he’s just a fictional Superhero but I believe he has a point. If you take this example and apply it to loneliness you will find a different outlook on life. Instead of avoiding it and pretending that it doesn’t exist, you must face the fact that there will be times you will get that alone-in-a-crowded-room feeling. Let’s face it, you are human and there will be moments of weakness. Now that we know we are lonely, in order for us to start the learning process we should identify what makes you lonely. As said in before, for me loneliness comes when it seems that everyone else’s life is flying by and I’m still stuck at a crossroad. There is no way I can avoid this loneliness unless I avoid having friends. Since that’s not going to happen, I have to learn to embrace the fact that when those times come, I will be lonely. So what do you do? One aspect of learning to be lonely is not bottle it in. Let it out and vent to a friend if necessary. Choose a trusted confidant whether it is your parents, your pastor, your co-worker, your best friend from high school, or your mate. Don’t have one? Go get one. I can hear you say it’s easier said than done Christa. Yes it is, friendships do take work and although some friendships can start overnight, others take years for bonding. Despite this fact, you need a confidant to encourage you and give you an unbiased perspective. Some tips of finding a friend: Be yourself. It’s no good when you are pretending to be someone else just because they might not like you. Be friendly. (Aren’t you glad you read this?) The Bible states that a man that hath friends must show himself friendly. No one wanted to be Scrooge’s friend until he became a friendly dude. Give of yourself. Don’t be leech and suck all your friend’s finances and time. You have a give a little to get a little and you have to give a lot to get a lot. Have a good listening ear. Don’t be that one friend that talks all the time about nothing important and never listens to what people say. Once you have friends, confide in them. They are there to encourage and support you. Sometimes it’s just good enough for me to talk it out with someone and that’s all I need. Don’t keep all your feelings inside as an effort to pretend that you are strong. You are a human and you have feelings, so show them. If you bottle it up, you will end up causing further problems down the road. Believe me…I used to be that way. I would hold it all inside until it was too much to bear then I would erupt and hurt everyone around me. I ended up destroying more friendships that way than building them.

It’s not easy being lonely. In fact it’s just plain difficult but we shouldn’t let it make us desperate for a mate or a friend in order to avoid the feeling. Don’t be afraid to be lonely and don’t beat yourself up over the feelings that God has given you. Instead, use it to get closer to the friends you have by confiding in them. Use it as way to become comfortable with you as a person. Learn to be lonely…

Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

P.S. Look for part two soon!!!

And the Winner Is....

Drum Roll Please.....

The Winner of Operation Saturation Giveaway is................JW!!!! Thank you all so much for your help. JW, if you would like you could e-mail the information about you and where you want the gift card to be sent to hailcesar87@gmail.com.

Thanks again everyone.

Christa