I've dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally
content with the past I regret
I’ve
found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For
once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve
been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m
moving on
In order for me to move
forward in my journey of learning to become lonely and to accept the future, I must deal with the past. The ghosts, the
demons, the regrets, the past mistakes, the wrongs done to me, and the wrongs I
have done all haunt me from day to day. Some are regular occurrences and others
are hidden so deep that I have forgotten that they are there. They all bring
sorrow and regret every time they surface. I will never get rid of them because
they are engraved in my mind and written in my heart. Before I delve into the
heart of the matter, I would like to explain what I mean by facing my demons.
If you Google the phrase Facing Your Demons
you will find that it means to face your fears or something that you have tried
to avoid. I believe that it goes much deeper than just facing something you are
trying to avoid. Of course, you would always want to avoid demons; they tend to
not make the best of friends. I believe the phrase means to deal with those
things tucked and hidden away in your heart that no one knows about. Demons are
the worst things (in my mind) that you have done or that someone has done to
you. Avoiding them does not make them haunt you any less in fact more often than
not it makes it worse. I must face my demons…
Demon #1 is not something that I have done or some fear I need to deal
with, it’s something that someone has done to me. (The names in this story have
been changed to protect the innocent.) After my family and I moved from
Rochester, NY to Wilson, NC, I lost many friends. Let me preface this story by
saying that throughout my life, I have never really fit in with anybody. I am a
drifter. I am one who tends to do their own thing whether everyone is on board
or not. At this point in my life, I was a bold tween who had problems fitting
into people’s molds. I realize now I had made a horrible decision and have since
learned fitting into a certain people’s molds is unrealistic. Back to the story,
I met a girl named Jenny who was around my age and we started hanging out with
each other. Jenny was fun to be with. She had a great laugh, she was artistic
like me, and she played the piano. We hit it off and soon became (in my mind)
good friends. We sat together in church, played duets on the piano, and had
sleepovers. Soon a new girl around our age named Susie came and joined the
church. She came from an broken family and needed good friends so Jenny and I
started hanging out with her. Soon Jenny and Susie started hitting it off and
Jenny started hanging out more with Susie. What happened to me? Well, Jenny and
I drifted further and further apart until we stopped talking altogether. Jenny
and Susie always hung out together. They dressed alike, played duets, and
shopped together. Wherever Jenny was there was Susie right behind here. A lot
of silent hurt was done and ever since then life was somehow never been the
same for me. The feeling of being forgotten became a regular occurrence in that
time period and I’ve had problems “getting over it”. I have never faced Jenny
to tell her how I felt. I felt that Jenny didn’t hang around me because of
things that I had done. I started to distance myself from them to avoid the
hurt and started building the walls that would take many years to bring down.
Jenny eventually realized that I had placed distance between her and Susie and
tried to reach out but in my mind the damage had been done. I refused her
without the slightest hesitation and never looked back. I had to protect myself
from being hurt again. She never really apologized for the hurt she caused. I
don’t know why and up to know I could care less. Even today, I am very scared
to meet and grow close to people for fear of this happening again. The walls
and the distance I placed in between myself and my friends never really came
down until a few years ago when I met my church friends. I started my healing
process and some walls still remain. If I start feeling awkward I start
distancing myself and become afraid of the hurt that might be caused. For me to
face this demon and start removing the rest of the walls, I have to forgive
her. I have never really forgiven Jenny for what she has done and in order for
me to move on with my life, I need too. So Jenny, I forgive you for the hurt
and the pain that has been caused by this situation. Forgive me for rejecting
you. God bless you in your life.
Demon #2 is my past. This is the biggest demon by far and it has held
me in its grasp for far, far too long. Like the rest of the world, I have
regrets. Regrets that appear from a word, song, sign, movie, or place. I can go
along happy in the world for one minute and the next minute I’m doubled over in
agony for those things I most regret doing. Time for the confession…this is
really hard to say and I have debated not going into so much detail but in order
for me to encourage others I must. From the time I was a teenager until my
early 20’s, I was a pathological liar to my parents, pastor, and almost anyone.
I aimed to please others and I would accomplish that my any means necessary.
One of those means was lying. I broke the trust of my parents and hurt them
deeply. I lied about the big things like why I was late from work to the little
things like why I didn’t turn on the dryer. It was a struggle and many tears
were shed as well as heated arguments given. I started to dislike my parents
and planned on moving out. Thankfully, God was watching over me and protected
me from my own self. I always knew I could walk out the door into oblivion but
I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was ready to forget God, my family, and
my friends all for nothing but I just couldn’t do it. I attended Crown College in
2007 and dared God to change me. I was so angry, hurt, and confused that I
couldn’t bear to change. I was tired of trying to fit into people’s molds and
it coming down to crash in my face. I was done with everything. I tried to keep
the anger in and put on the façade of a lovely Christian young lady but my
anger started spilling out till it all came crashing down on me. I was tired of
fighting and that’s when God got a hold of me and saved me from myself (again).
He changed me and in March of 2008 I rededicated my life to the Lord. God has
been working in my life since and I am thankful every day for what He has done
for me. The past still haunts me despite my parents and God’s forgiveness so it’s
time for me to deal with it. It’s time for me to forgive myself for the wrongs I
have done to me. Christa, I forgive you for hurting your parents and your
friends. I forgive you for the anger that you have lashed out on me. I forgive
you for trying to forget everything and everyone that made you into what you
are today. You are a beautiful girl inside and out. Show the world. You are
forgiven. Face your demons and move on. I love you.
In conclusion: To you out there (single or not) that have those demons
and ghost haunting you, face them and move on.
You will never forget but just now that God’s forgiveness goes as deep
as God’s love. How deep is it? It’s never ending. It’s not easy but it’s worth
it.
Until next time,
Be Happy being Single
Always Remember to Sing in the Rain
Christa
P.S. Shout-out to my Uncle Bill, Eric, Mom, Dad, and Leann. Thank you
for your faithfulness in reading my blog. Thank you also for your very kind
words.
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