Learning to Be Lonely: All I Ever Wanted

My lips cannot contain

My mind cannot conceive

That He will be my Everything

And He is All I need

This past summer I received the opportunity to listen to my pastor’s preaching every Wednesday night. I’m usually teaching my little munchkins songs and Bible stories on Wednesday nights; however, for the summer we take a break. Goodness knows we (the teachers) need it greatly. I’ve always enjoyed church and listening to my pastor's messages but my mind tends to wander. I confess that I’ve had many a daydream through his sermons and missed half of what my pastor was trying to say even though he is a great preacher. This summer I determined to listen intently to what he was speaking about and to really seek God on the matters of life close to my heart. It has truly been a rewarding and eye opening summer. One of the first messages my pastor gave was on how to discern God’s will for your life. I really took that message to heart and followed what my pastor had said. I began to set aside time to read my Bible and pray. I started to change some aspects of my life that need to changing. I tried to really listen to people and take time out to be with them. I started keeping promises that I had made. I apologized more and learned how to swallow my pride instead of let it carry me away. I learned that being a good friend does not mean that I have to be a mother. I found out that trust can be easily broken and the hurt that comes from it is very hard to rebuild. The most important thing I discovered was a few days ago. I finally learned what truly all I ever wanted was.

The objective of my affection and desire has been a husband for as long as I can remember. All I ever wanted was a husband and someone to share the rest of my life with. In my mind, it’s a simple request. I was not asking for an Aaron Rodgers (although it would be nice*wink*) or a Bill Gates (bring on the shopping!!), I was just asking for a man. If he can sing, is single, and is saved, he qualifies. My desire and affections have never been satisfied as needless to say I have not found a singing saved man that happens to be single. I bet you were surprised. A friend once said, “Men are like a parking lot: all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are those that are far out or handicapped (in the mental sense not physical).“ The older I get the more I agree with her. For those women who have found a good man, keep him! You won’t find another one. The odds are very slim out there in the real world. Moving on...because my deepest desire was not fulfilled I would get frustrated and disheartened. For instance, one weekend my mom was shopping for her dress for my brother’s wedding. We went to every bridal shop in town looking for a dress. I had a great time but I couldn’t help but wonder what my experience would be like. When I shop for my wedding dress, I am truly going to savor that moment since I've waited (still am) so long for it.The dress shopping wasn't so bad, my mom found a great dress for the occasion but what was really hard was the craving that I had for that once-in-a-lifetime moment. I was determined to see the bright side of life and swallowed the sadness that threatened to ruin everything about that weekend. I’m glad I did for that weekend turned out to be one of the best weekends in my life. I attended two great Southern Gospel concerts: one for the Kingsmen and one for Brian Free and Assurance. I even had my picture taken with Brian Free and Assurance. The whole group!!!! Yay! Here’s my evidence…

Despite how wonderful the weekend was, my desire and affections still remained unfulfilled only to rise up again at the most inopportune time. I started listening to the CDs I had purchased over the weekend and started seeking God even more. I wanted an answer and I was tired of waiting for that love at first sight moment. I didn’t want to scan the pews of the church seeking a single man anymore. I felt like a lion scanning the horizon for fresh meat sometimes. I hated seeking others advice for the same problem over and over hoping that this time someone would give me a different answer. I looked for any answer to satisfy the need within. That was my problem. I looked for anything and not the one thing. So I started praying and seeking more. I was content to wait on God this time as I have discovered that His answers sometimes take a lot of time to get to you. The answer finally came and my wish to have that one thing I ever wanted was granted. It happened around midnight when God revealed it to me. All I ever wanted was… God. God was the answer to my desires and affections. It wasn’t a guy or money but it was Him. I sat there for a second and pulled my phone out to listen to the song He’s My Everything by the Cunningham Sisters. The song took on a new meaning to me and as the tears flowed gently down my face I became happy and content. I can definitively say that that moment in time was the closest I have ever been in fellowship with God. As the song continued to play and the words continue to speak to my heart, I felt gratefulness, peace, and love. Gratefulness to God for giving the lyricist just the right words, peace that God had granted my greatest desire, and  God’s love showing telling me no matter how much I mess things up I will still be loved. My desire never changed but the object of my affection had. I know realize that having a guy is not what I wanted. It was having God in every aspect of my life.

When all that I have left is Jesus

All that I can see is Him

When only He is watching over me

I’ll have the only one I’ll ever need

He’s the shoulder I have need to cry on

His face will be always turned to me

His will be the hand I hold when I am all alone

He will see when I’m falling to my knees

I am becoming more and more content to let God lead and to let me watch. I am really excited about what the future holds as I have grown so much in the past year that I can’t wait to see what God will show me next. As the Bible says for godliness with contentment is great gain. For those of you out there seeking your greatest desire, I encourage you to seek God. Only He can satisfy any desire great or small that you have. The answer may come right away but most times it takes work and effort on your part. You will find that He is truly everything you need.

Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

Learning to Be Lonely: Life's Greatest Disappointments

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise?

“I really think that he is the one!” I excitedly told my friend as we sat in the nursery discussing relationships. I had met this tall, dark and handsome young man at another church and I had convinced myself that he was the one. I had only talked to him for a brief moment but I knew that he was the one I was destined to marry. Starry-eyed and a little stalkerish, I found him on Facebook. He had a wonderful name and a lot of friends. I sent the friend request with some hesitation. I only met him for a second but I sent him a somewhat cheery message saying how I met him and invited him to a get together our group was having. He accepted my friend request but not the invitation to the get together. A little disappointed but still determined, I continued to look for opportunities for us to meet again and soon a well-known speaker came to our church. I was absolutely sure he would come and we would meet and he would ask me out and we would live happily ever after. This run-on sentence was my exact thought that day as I sent him a message inviting him to the services. He seemed excited and said that he might come. I was on cloud nine. That whole week I waited anxiously for him to come to church and sweep me off my feet but he never did. It was all in vain. A few weeks later his relationship status changed from Single to In a Relationship. Dun, dun, dun, the curse struck again. This was literally the tenth time that the curse had shattered my dreams. I let myself get caught up in the moment and my world came crashing down around me. I had put so much expectation and time into something that I knew wasn’t worth it. I was disappointed in myself for letting myself run free and uncontrolled. There was no one to blame but me.

My life has an unusual way of repeating itself in others. Two of my friends have gone through the same kind of disappointment this year: one has reacted the correct way, the other unfortunately has not. I know everyone reacts differently to disappointments. Some people hole themselves up in a room for a day or so, others seek to find revenge on the one who disappointed them, some distract themselves by staying busy, some cry endless tears, others bottle it up inside to pretend they’re strong. There is no blueprint or recipe for dealing with disappointments. Yet I can assure you this that there are right ways and there are wrong ways in dealing with disappointment. I think many people chose to react the wrong way because along with disappointment comes the aching hurt that can’t be satisfied. When you finally thought you found what your heart craved most and that maybe, just maybe God was finally answering your prayer only to find out that your heart will have to continue on craving. How could this happen? Our minds immediately go to the questions, “What did I do to make this happen? Could this have been avoided? How do I make this right?” followed by tears and the emphatic statements “I hate him/her. I’ll never speak to him/her again.” We get carried away by emotions and that in itself is normal. You are going to be hurt because it was something your heart strongly desired. The point is not to let your emotions run your life. Take control of them and don’t get swept away in a current of hurt. The farther downstream you go the harder you have to work to get back on track.

If you google dealing with disappointments you’ll find hundreds even thousands of different sure ways to deal with it. Being no stranger to disappointments (I’ve had quite a few) I shall now add my four not-so-easy ways. Excited yet? It takes time and it is hard but it works for me. Without further introduction here are my ways in dealing with disappointments. First, everyone in the world does not need to know that you are hurting inside or needs to know every text and word that was spoken. Please talk to your friends, they can support you in getting through this but don’t take an ad out in the New York Times announcing it. Second, let yourself let it go. Time heals all wounds is one of the worst clichés I’ve ever heard. Time does not heal emotional scars. Rose Kennedy says it best “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” Emotional scars never heal. They will always be there lurking in the shadows until the most opportune moment comes for them to resurface. Give yourself some time to deal with what life has so cruelly handed you. Most times I just need to come to terms with it. Once I have done that I can proceed to the next step. Third, forgive yourself and others. Your very next thought after a disappointment occurs is probably not forgiveness. Yet we have moved on from that. It’s time to put this to rest. If it was all your fault and doing, forgive yourself for making a mistake. You are a human, it didn’t turn out the way you expected, forgive yourself and learn from your mistake. If it was someone else’s fault, forgive them as well. You don’t have to be the best of friends after that. They have broken your trust and they need to prove to you that they are worth trusting again. You will find that forgiveness will greatly ease the pain caused by them. Finally, realize that this disappointment could save you even greater disappointment down the road. I’ve had many things disappointment me only to find out later down the road that I was saved a lot of hurt. It was a blessing that I went through the disappointment so early before I got so involved that I would be devastated and unable to move on. I am an optimist by trade so it comes easier to see the “bright” side in life. If it’s harder for you determine in your heart that you refuse to dwell on the negative and do it.

Life will have its share of disappointments and it’s almost guaranteed that every one of them will hurt. There will be major and minor disappointments but remember don’t let it beat you and don’t ever let it turn you bitter. That’s not good for anyone. Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa