Being Alone

You carried all the pain and buried all the shame

When You made that rugged tree

Your Righteous Throne

Because of You, I'll never walk alone.

“But Christa you’re not happy.” Those words rang in my ears like a bell tolling the impending danger of a storm ahead. I searched my brain analyzing every moment of every day searching for a reason to prove her wrong but I couldn’t find any. My head was in a tailspin and I could feel the wave of sadness sweep over me in a matter of seconds. My world had gone from perfect to shambles in a second. I felt deflated, disappointed, and vulnerable. I reached for the tissues and sobbed. I didn’t hold back the tears for I knew that this was what I needed to hear. It was hard for me to grasp and I’m sure it was hard for my friend to bring the news. Yet like the Bible says, Faithful are the wounds of a friend. I was grateful that she thought enough of me to say something. Enough to point me in the right direction and to wake me up from the dream I had buried myself into in. This was the second time I had cried today. For someone who was supposed to be strong and endure my former self was but a shadow and I was left vulnerable to the truth and the reality of who I really was. I was a fool. Ungrateful for the things that God had provided me looking only after myself instead of looking after my friends. My mind drifted towards the time I heard a friend was expecting. My first reaction? Anger and jealousy. As the scenes played in my mind, each time I heard a friend was being blessed with anything: money, job, marriage, baby, etc. my first reaction was anger at my situation and jealousy towards them. How many times did I have to make myself happy in front of them but alone be caught in the rage of jealousy wondering how they got on the good side of God. Wondering why God left me alone to watch everyone else succeed and left me struggling and fighting for every word of praise. I became disappointed in myself for acting like a 3-year old child. I apologized to my friend profusely and she reassured me that everything would turn out just fine. I could not change the past but I could change the future. She told me that happiness was a choice. I have clung to that 4 word sentence ever since. I began to meditate on it on its true meaning. Happiness was a choice not a feeling. You can make your own choices but you can’t make your own feelings. I determined to choose to be happy instead of make myself being happy. I decided to take control of my jealousy and stop making excuses for the way I had behaved. I was determined that nothing would stop me.

That was last Wednesday. Saturday a text came from one of my best friends announcing that she had become engaged. My instant reaction to be honest was mixed: some jealousy and some happiness. I said to myself over and over I choose to be happy about this, I choose to be happy about this, I choose to be happy about this. It was amazing to feel happy about a situation instead of jealous for once. I had no signs of depression, sadness, or anger. It felt good to free myself from it all. Later that night, I found out that another one of my friends became engaged to a guy that I used to like. Again my reaction was mixed but I fought the jealousy that threatened me and eventually victory became mine. It felt satisfying to not be jealous. A change came over me. I didn’t feel negative and depressed. I didn’t complain about my situation but instead was truly genuinely happy. As much as people tried to bait me in complaining I was determined not to fall into that trap again. Saturday night, I knelt down beside my bed and prayed to God for strength and happiness. At this point in time, I feel like He is the only one Who truly understands how I feel, how I react to situations, and how to help me. I still felt alone and I prayed that God would just send someone my way to encourage me and to let me know I was still loved. The next day was Sunday and my sister-in-law presented me with a gift of music note earrings just because. I immediately thanked God as my spirit soared and I felt so encouraged that God had answered my prayer. He really does hear and answer.

So what does this have to do with being alone? Glad you asked and glad you’re still with me. I am an independent person and I thought I didn’t mind going to concerts, the gym, shopping, etc. alone. If I’m determined to go I’m going. That usually works for one or two things then I get caught up in my surroundings. I see all the couples snuggled up together, holding hands, happy with their lives. Then I see all the girls with their friends laughing and joking. I see the singer devoting his time and effort to his love of music and savoring every minute of it. I used to react by getting depressed, jealous, and angry followed by the act of making myself happy. There was just one problem. As stated before, making myself happy didn’t mean I was truly happy. There always was an undercurrent of jealousy or envy or even anger. I thought that this was normal and that I had would have to go through life battling them at every corner and turn. Surprise! I was wrong. Instead of making myself happy I should have chosen to be happy. I felt the need to share this with you my readers because I feel that this might help each and every one of us married and alike.

Being alone to anyone no matter how independent is a scary thing. I feel that is the main reason why I don’t stick with things i.e. working out, diet, etc. is because I don’t want to do it alone. If I had someone who was willing to help me I believe I would succeed. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Not that my friends don’t want to see me succeed but that things tend to be forgotten and sometimes that means me. Because I don’t whine the most or loudest or because I don’t show my feelings as outward as some people means that I am forgotten in some cases. So that means that sometimes I have to deal with things alone. I get tired and I get discouraged. However, being passed over has brought closer to God. He has seen my tears, heard my deepest wishes, and gave me comfort during the most trying times. He is the best friend that I have. So truly I am not alone in this world and that is something I choose to be happy about.

Until next time,

Choose to be Happy

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

Learning To Be Lonely Part One: Dealing with the Loneliness

Child of the wilderness

Born into emptiness

Learn to be lonely

Learn to find your way in darkness

The Phantom of the Opera is one of the most classic love stories of all time. If you’ve never seen it, the movie/Broadway play is about a woman named Christine who is caught between two lovers: one whom she loves (Raul) and one whom is infatuated with her (the Phantom).  I won’t ruin the ending for you but the choice is clear to me who she should have chosen to marry. Unfortunately, he didn’t make that choice and I was thoroughly disappointed in her decision making skills. Anyways, the song Learn to be Lonely is played during the credits for the movie (not the play). This song has been in my head all day especially the first verse. I never grasped the meaning of the song until inspiration hit me. Before I continue, I wanted to say that I know it’s been a long absence from when I wrote my last post but to tell the truth I didn’t have anything to write besides sadness. This blog isn’t meant for sadness and I realize I am not accomplishing what I intended too when I first started this blog. No one wants to read about my depressing days. I don’t even want to read about them. So I apologize from the deepest depths of my heart on this. I took the time off from blogging to refocus and gain inspiration from my family, God, and music. To be honest, I missed blogging but it was important for me to refocus. Hence this post...now back to the song. Here are a few facts about loneliness: A 2006 study from American Sociological Review  showed that Americans have on average 2 close friends and also showed that 25% of Americans stated that they had no close friends. That is sad to me. Everyone should have that one friend in whom they can confide in. If you don’t have that, life can be very difficult. It’s a fact that humans don’t want to be alone. There is something inside of us that makes us want to be around people. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to face ourselves; maybe it’s because everything is more fun with people. For each of us, it’s different and we all have to answer the question within ourselves of what makes us lonely. For me, it’s when I feel like life is flying by for other people but drags on for me. Is there an answer? Unfortunately, there is no open and shut case, no definitive answer, and no foolproof solution. Loneliness has no concern on whether or not single or in a relationship. It can appear at anytime, anywhere, and on any occasion. It can happen in a crowded room as easily it can happen when you lie down to sleep at night. Loneliness can be discouraging and annoying all at the same time.

That being said how do you deal with it? What is the key to releasing it from your mind? As stated before there is no one solution to getting rid of loneliness. Sorry to say but you will never get rid of it for it always has its way of creeping up on you. The way to deal with loneliness is to learn to be lonely and to be comfortable with the feeling. Not sure what I mean? We shall use the superhero Hulk for an example. Bruce Banner turns into an ugly green monster (aka Hulk) when he gets angry. If you watched the movie Avengers, one of Hulk’s key lines is when he answers Captain America’s request for him to get angry. His response? I’m always angry. Say what? Through the process of time Bruce Banner (Hulk) learned that in order to avoid struggling with his anger and risk being Hulk at any moment, he should embrace his anger as a part of him and learn to live with it. I know he’s just a fictional Superhero but I believe he has a point. If you take this example and apply it to loneliness you will find a different outlook on life. Instead of avoiding it and pretending that it doesn’t exist, you must face the fact that there will be times you will get that alone-in-a-crowded-room feeling. Let’s face it, you are human and there will be moments of weakness. Now that we know we are lonely, in order for us to start the learning process we should identify what makes you lonely. As said in before, for me loneliness comes when it seems that everyone else’s life is flying by and I’m still stuck at a crossroad. There is no way I can avoid this loneliness unless I avoid having friends. Since that’s not going to happen, I have to learn to embrace the fact that when those times come, I will be lonely. So what do you do? One aspect of learning to be lonely is not bottle it in. Let it out and vent to a friend if necessary. Choose a trusted confidant whether it is your parents, your pastor, your co-worker, your best friend from high school, or your mate. Don’t have one? Go get one. I can hear you say it’s easier said than done Christa. Yes it is, friendships do take work and although some friendships can start overnight, others take years for bonding. Despite this fact, you need a confidant to encourage you and give you an unbiased perspective. Some tips of finding a friend: Be yourself. It’s no good when you are pretending to be someone else just because they might not like you. Be friendly. (Aren’t you glad you read this?) The Bible states that a man that hath friends must show himself friendly. No one wanted to be Scrooge’s friend until he became a friendly dude. Give of yourself. Don’t be leech and suck all your friend’s finances and time. You have a give a little to get a little and you have to give a lot to get a lot. Have a good listening ear. Don’t be that one friend that talks all the time about nothing important and never listens to what people say. Once you have friends, confide in them. They are there to encourage and support you. Sometimes it’s just good enough for me to talk it out with someone and that’s all I need. Don’t keep all your feelings inside as an effort to pretend that you are strong. You are a human and you have feelings, so show them. If you bottle it up, you will end up causing further problems down the road. Believe me…I used to be that way. I would hold it all inside until it was too much to bear then I would erupt and hurt everyone around me. I ended up destroying more friendships that way than building them.

It’s not easy being lonely. In fact it’s just plain difficult but we shouldn’t let it make us desperate for a mate or a friend in order to avoid the feeling. Don’t be afraid to be lonely and don’t beat yourself up over the feelings that God has given you. Instead, use it to get closer to the friends you have by confiding in them. Use it as way to become comfortable with you as a person. Learn to be lonely…

Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

P.S. Look for part two soon!!!