I'm Scared...

Fear...its powerful feeling. It can render a person paralyzed in mere seconds and can cause an otherwise normal person to become insane. We live our lives trying to avoid our fears. It consumes us to the point we take special precautions to never feel it. Dictators rule countries using fear as a means to make their subjects serve them. Fears of death, torture, or imprisonment are always good motivators to keep people in line. In America our government mostly uses fear as deterrent for doing wrong. If you break the law, you will be put in jail or fined or (depending on the circumstance) even die. Fear motivates us to act out things we would have never thought of. Fear is life’s most dreadful feeling. For me, the feeling starts from my head working its way down. My mind realizes what I have seen or heard then freezes, my eyes widen as big as saucers, my face falls, my throat closes in making it intensely hard to breathe, my stomach sinks, and my legs are rendered incapable of movement. Time seems to stand still until my mind unthaws and tells my legs to run. I do. People say to never look back but I always do keeping in sight where that thing is that caused my fear. My main fears are insects and heights. Heights because I am afraid of falling and killing myself and insects because I am afraid they will crawl on me. I hate things crawling on me. I must admit I have one more fear. It haunts me at night and if I think about it too much I will go insane. It’s the fear of the unknown. What is going to happen to me? Am I going to live with my parents the rest of my life? Will I have a job next year? What do they really think of me? Questions that never get answered making my mind spin out of control. I think of these mostly at night when I can’t keep myself busy with work or chores. I can never get rid of the feeling and only try to focus on the more pleasant things in life.

I admit that this week has been very stressful for nothing happened the way I wanted it to. Work has been stressful and my department is behind with no eminent hope of ever getting caught up. My parents went away for a weeklong vacation to Hawaii and I was the sole cleaner and cook for a week. Sorting laundry, washing dishes, and making dinner only made me want a husband even more to take care of which in turn made me depressed. I felt so at “home” doing all these duties despite the stress I was under that I loved every moment of it. Despite all this, I am afraid of what is to become. I am afraid because I don’t know if God is ever going to provide a husband. I am afraid because I am human and there is the possibility that I could be wrong about this whole thing. I am afraid because I fear that God will make me love a person that I hate. I am afraid that my future husband will not be what I want him to be. I am afraid because I might be the reason he is not here and I am still alone. I am afraid because I could be out of God’s will again and not living what He wants for me. I am still afraid…I am still scared…I am still petrified. I can’t shake these feelings and every once in a while they lift up their ugly heads showing me that they are still there and aren’t leaving any time soon. My heart knows that God has promised me that I will be married but my mind looks at the situation saying “Well, where is he?” My heart knows that God will not make me love someone I hate but my mind sees the guys around me and says “There is no hope of ever getting a good looking guy. They are all taken or they don’t share the same beliefs.” My heart knows that if he’s the right guy he will like me but my mind looks at the other girls around me and says “You are big. No guys like big girls. Besides you are so sarcastic, you’ll drive him away. He won’t understand you.” My heart and mind argue on many things and most of the times, I admit, I agree with my mind. There has to be some reason why I am still single and I really can’t figure it out. I’m afraid because I don’t know what or why. I’m afraid because I might be this horrible person that everyone is afraid of. I’m afraid because I might be overanxious and that comes across as desperate. I’m afraid because God might show the real reason why I don’t have a husband and I won’t like it. I am scared, just plain scared.

I let the storm of fear grow worse and worse until I’m throw up my hands and scream. Then God calls out in the storm and says “Hush!” and the fear storm quiets down. The fear is still there and if I focus my mind on it, the storm will begin again. God then reminds me of the verse in the Bible that says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of a sound mind.” Whatever kind of fear this is, it’s not from God but from somewhere else. I realize if I focus on God, the fears just melt away but if I focus on my fears, God just disappears from my sight. When God “disappears”, I become frightened and frantically search for Him. If I focused on Him, I would know where He went to but by this time the waves have become so high and the winds so fierce that I can’t see or hear anything. It becomes pointless to keep searching and screaming anymore so I give up. When I give up, I pray and that’s when I hear the voice that I’ve missed so much saying “Peace be still.” The waves calm down, the wind blows softly, the sun shines again, and as I look on the horizon I see Him. Perhaps the only good thing about being afraid is the feeling of safety and security that envelopes your soul once the fear has passed. To me the answer is simple-Don’t focus on your fears. It’s the execution that is the hard part. Fear has a way of creeping up and quickly reaching its icy fingers touching your soul. You unknowingly stroll along in life happily one moment and the next you are paralyzed scared of what is to happen. No one can escape fear…no one. You can only learn to live with it and learn how to deal with it when it comes. I can guarantee you that you will never lose your fear. That sounds very hopeful, right? The only way to deal with fear is at that first moment after it comes upon you. Let the fear pass but don’t let it make your mind run in circles with endless confusion. Squelch it right there and then. Don’t let it control your life for there’s nothing to fear but fear itself, right? My heart says yes but my mind says no, for there are still spiders and tall buildings out in the world. The battle starts again…

Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa 

A Passion for My Purpose

Music is enough for a lifetime

But a lifetime is not enough for music

I don’t really know what I would do without music. Music is my life if you haven’t figured that out by now. Y’all are smart so I know you have. I have talked a lot about music in the past but I haven’t made it personal.  So here is my story  of my long journey and finding my passion.

From the time I can remember music has had a great impact in my life. As I mentioned in the previous post The Influencers, I started playing piano when I was 5 or 6 at my Bachi’s house. I officially started teaching myself when I was in early elementary school. My mom homeschooled my brothers and I so I didn’t have the opportunity to take lessons at public school. My parents weren’t able to afford lessons so they bought a learn-at-home course from Madonna Woods. I remember my first song it involved three notes Middle C, D, and E. The lyrics went “Up we go, to the right, these three notes are very tight.” I can still play it!! My first special was at church and I played Quiet Time. The lyrics were “Quiet time is here now, let us all be still now, only when we’re quiet, can we hear the Lord.” It was my debut as a singer as well. I was hooked on music. I moved on to harder books and focused mostly on church music. I didn’t want to (and still don’t have a desire to) learn classical music. I wanted to play piano for church and that was all. I loved to hear the church pianist play and the passion inside me was so great that I craved playing the piano. It was my stress reliever. I played offertories at church every once in a while and challenged myself to learn harder, challenging songs. We had moved to North Carolina at this time and my mom found someone who agreed to give me piano lessons. She taught me how to play hymns and she encouraged me to play with both hands at the same time. I was super nervous about that but I quickly began to like it. I started playing some congregational hymns at church. I loved playing for church and I dreamed of the day that I would be a church piano player. My piano teacher then recommended a new piano teacher because she had taught me everything she knew. This piano teacher started working with me hymn-playing and started me on some classical music because I needed help on expression. I played one volume: LOUD. Then we moved to Ohio and there were no piano teachers there at that time who could teach me hymn-playing. I wanted to learn how to play better for church. The song leader at our church found out that I played piano and started having me play for some congregational hymns. I thoroughly enjoyed it and even started playing for some choir specials. I thought I was ready but when I look back I know I was just starting out and not even close to being prepared.  However, experience is the best teacher and I grew slowly but surely.

I went to college anticipating that I would major in music. Then the bombshell hit that sent me on a downward slide. I auditioned for the Dean of Music and he told me that I was nowhere near where I needed to be. I was so crushed that I broke down sobbing in front of him. I couldn’t believe that he said I couldn’t play. I tried my hardest and it wasn’t good enough. I started taking lessons and was told by my teacher that I wasn’t good enough to continue to be a major in music.  She told me to choose another major.  I quit practicing piano all together. I had given up and lost all my passion for piano. Every time I was near one I resisted the urge to play it for fear of making a fool of myself. I left that college and went to Crown. I decided to take choir and start taking piano lessons again. I started but I couldn’t do it. My piano teacher (although good) was not connecting with me. I stopped practicing again and rarely ever played piano at college. After graduation, I came back home and rarely played piano. My church already had a superb piano player and I had a very low esteem of myself and my piano playing. For a while, I never mentioned I played piano or even craved to play it. I practiced at the insistence of my mom and played one or two offertories for church. My pastor remembered I played for the congregation before and I began playing for church again. I still had a low esteem on how I played despite the fact people came up to me and complimented me on my playing style. I am very hard on myself and anything less than perfection was not good enough. I had to be perfect.

Then I meet my last piano teacher. She attended our church and started playing for Sunday night services. I started working with her on my playing style which only consisted of playing very fast and very loud. She worked with me on playing with expression and started teaching me more about hymn-playing. Our church’s song leader came up to me in the spring of 2011 and told me that my services were needed in playing piano during the summer. My piano teacher was having a baby and was going to be out for a couple of weeks. I apprehensively agreed and started playing on Sunday nights. I did well some nights and others, well we won’t talk about those. I made many mistakes and made the biggest blunder ever in the history of me playing the piano…I played in the wrong key. Goodness knows it was horrible. My pastor had to stop the song service because it was so bad. I transpose songs with more than 2 sharps into flats (it’s easier for me to play) but the organist doesn’t. She played the song in sharps and I played it in flats. I was crushed and wanted to crawl underneath the piano and cry. I saw myself back at the audition breaking down and sobbing. It was happening all over again. After the service, I texted my piano teacher and told her that I didn’t want to play piano anymore. She told me of the times that she (one of the best piano players I know) made a huge blunder. She told me that anyone could play piano and that with experience and practice I could be better. I stuck with it but that memory still haunts me. Slowly my passion started coming back and after that Kingsmen concert it was in full force. The cravings to play the piano were back and I longed for another chance. Our song leader used me as a substitute pianist so I got some chances but I was hungry and wanted more. Those months and weeks of waiting taught me controlled passion. I wasn’t ready to play yet. I took piano lessons from her for 2 years until she moved. I was saddened by it but I knew it was time for me to experiment on my own and spread my wings. I started practicing different techniques and style and I started playing piano for church regularly. I even played for a couple of choir specials (I was so nervous about those). I was thrilled because my passion came back and I had finally found “my” purpose. I still play fast and loud but I’m teaching myself to relax and enjoy every moment. I’m so passionate about piano playing that it comes off like I’m angry but I’m not, I’m just passionate. I hope God grants me more years of playing the piano and I pray that God will make my dream of becoming a church pianist come true.

So whatever your passion is whether it be music or computers whether it be food or writing just go for it. There are going to be some disappointments along the way but use those to make you stronger. Let your passion grow and never lose sight of what has been placed in your heart by God’s divine hand. Remember although perfection is a great motivator, it can be your biggest downfall. You will make mistakes but don’t ever give up!! There’s a reason and purpose for everything. Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

P.S. For those of you who haven't read about Operation Saturation, click here. You'll be glad you did. 

Operation Saturation

To start Operation Saturation we shall commence with the reason behind this operation. When I first started Simply Singing in the Rain, the goal was to encourage others. I dreamed big but expected little. What a surprise for me to find out that people actually enjoyed reading my blog and for the past couple of months the views per post have remained steady. Right now the blog gains an average of 18-20 views per post. (The Perfect Man Builder Part One post gained the most views with 50. I honestly didn’t expect that! What a surprise!!) My goal is to reach 50 views per post by the end of the year 2012. To put it quite simply, I am going to need your assistance in helping me to reach my goal. I know there are others who might enjoy reading my blog but how can they read it if they don’t know about it? I would humbly ask your assistance to help me get the word out to others about this blog. Now for the instructions:

Who? Operation Saturation is for everyone and anyone. It is not limited to just followers of my blog.

When? Operation Saturation will run until June 12^th. This will give you one month to enter yourself into the drawing for the giveaway at the end of the operation.

How? To start Operation Saturation, I would request that you spread the news to others by sharing one post from this blog online. Any post will do i.e. the post about the SNC concert, the post about My Alabaster Box, or the post about My Resolution, etc. You can share it on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace (does anyone use that anymore?), mouth to mouth, etc. If you share more than one, your name will be entered in the drawing as many times as you share posts. (Does that make sense?) For instance, if you shared three posts, your name will be entered three times. You must comment that you shared a certain post. You may do this on Facebook, Twitter, or on the post you shared. If you comment on Facebook or Twitter, please include the name of the post you shared. This is the only way I can determine who to enter into the giveaway at the end.

What? At the end of the Operation Saturation, the winner of the giveaway shall receive two gifts (I’m feeling very generous). Before I get to the good part, once I announce the winner I would request that they share how they found out about the blog. The winner will be announced on my blog and I shall write a little biography about them. On to the gifts…Gift #1: The winner shall receive an open invitation to write one post on my blog about anything and everything at any time. The requirements of this post shall be that it is clean. Gift #2: The winner shall receive a $15 gift card to whichever restaurant they choose from McDonalds to Olive Garden.

So, let Operation Saturation begin…*Olympic Theme Music Plays* Good luck troops and God Bless! Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

The Influencers

“Blessed is the influence of one true, loving human on another.”

George Eliot

Influences…they are all around us. Some of them good and some of them are bad. Some of them have a lasting impact on us while some of them just influence us for a moment. Still some emphatically shout out at us to change while others quietly slip into our lives unawares. If you've never heard the song For Good from Wicked then I would recommend that you watch this video.

Any one of us can point back to a life-changing moment in our history that influenced us on a career path, a hobby, or a passion. I can point back to a few life changing moments in my history. I am by nature a very impressionable person. I don’t know if it is because I have a more open personality or what but many things have left their mark on me. But this post is more about people than things. Many people have influenced me along the walk of life. I should note here that my family and God has influenced more than anyone else in this world. My parents where the ones that shaped me (blame them!) and God is the one who has helped me to grow in my Christian walk of life. The people I am going to talk about are people may not necessarily know about their influence but they have each helped to influence me to become who I am today.

The very first influential person I can remember was back when I was maybe 7 or 8. (I’m not very good at synching up times and ages in my past but I know I was around elementary age.) Her name: Jill Roscoe (now Czekalski). What did she do? Played the piano, sang, and was (and still is) a marvelous Christian lady. I started playing piano at my Babchi’s (Polish for Grandma) house on her big organ when I was 5 or 6. The organ keys and organ books were lettered and I would sit there and play forever. I absolutely loved it and from then on became interested in music. I never thought about playing the piano until I met Jill. She was a kind lady in her 20’s or so who played piano for our church. I adored her and wanted to do everything like her. I wanted to sing harmony like her, play like her, and when I grew up I would be like her. I have never understood why I took a liking to her rather than others but some things will always remain a mystery. I talked to my mom and started teaching myself how to play the piano. I also started teaching myself how to sing harmony (altos rock!!!). She still is an influence to me to this day and I will never play piano as well as her but I hope to make her proud. Thank you Jill!!

The next influential person I want to talk about is Jill’s mom: Mrs. Kathy Roscoe. She was our pastor’s wife who served the church in many ways. Now she is fading fast and I may never get to speak with her to tell her on earth what an influence she was but I know I will get to tell her in Heaven. When I attended Chili Bible Baptist Church she taught the Sunday School class for my age. From there, she influenced me to be a teacher. She gave me some of her old flannel-graphs and I remember playing with them and “acting” out Bible stories. To this day, every time I see a flannel-graph I remember Mrs. Roscoe and those times “acting” out the Bible stories. When I teach my Pee-Wee club members, I remember her teaching style and how creative she was. I know I wouldn’t be a teacher if Mrs. Roscoe didn’t influence me in the way she did. She wrote me a letter once telling me how well I played the piano and told me to always play for the Lord. I still have that letter and treasure it. She will reach Heaven soon and it will be a sad for a brief moment but I will remember those happy moments. Thank you Mrs. Roscoe!!

If you would have looked at my life 5 or 6 years ago, you would have seen a troubled young lady unsure of God, unsure of who I was, and unsure of what I wanted to do. Since then I have re-dedicated my life to Christ and every day I’m finding out more of who I am and what makes me tick. All throughout college I kept praying and searching for what God wanted me to do with my life. I cried and begged for God to show me but God knew my heart wasn’t ready for the answer. I graduated from a Bible College not knowing what God wanted me to do. I was confused and not at peace with my situation. In the fall of 2010, my brothers invited me to see a magic show. The magician was a Christian and they had gone to see him before. I was interested and curious because they mentioned he did some of Houdini’s tricks. Houdini was amazing and anyone who could do his tricks was top class in my mind. So I went along for the ride and was totally amazed by the tricks I saw. His whole “theme” for the show was Mayhem and Misdirection. He explained that some magic tricks use misdirection as a tool to make “magic”. He tied that into modern day life and how we can be distracted by the main task with so many different things. I honestly don’t remember everything he said word for word (this was almost 2 years ago) but I remember that he talked about how the devil distracts us. Those 15 minutes changed my life. I knew that I was being distracted by other trivial things in my life. I wasn’t focused on what God was really telling me to do so I started concentrating and really praying on a direction for my life.  The struggle wasn’t over as my stubborn self refused to look right in front of me. If I would have, I would have found the answer much sooner. In January of 2011, I attended a Kingsmen concert and God confirmed in my heart that He wanted me to serve Him with music. Now all of you are probably screaming at the computer saying “I knew that! Why wouldn’t you think that?!” Don’t scream at the computer, use your inside voice. As I said, I was stubborn and refused to look at what talents God had provided me with. I’ve never spoken (really spoken) with Harris the 3rd before and I do look forward to the day that I can tell him what God is doing in my life because of those 15 minutes. However, I was able to help him in his DVD project. He was in influence to me so the least I can do is be a help to him. Thank you Harris the 3rd!!!

(If you want more info on his DVD project here’s the link:

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/harristhethird/harris-iii-master-illusionist)

So to you three, thank you for influencing me in the right direction. I hope to tell each of you in person someday how much of an influence you all have been on my life. For now, this blog will have to do. There are countless others I can mention: Mom, Dad, Eric, Joel, Melissa, Shoshanna, Mrs. Brock, Mrs. Stearns, Mrs. Hinds, Mrs. Cornett, Mrs. Richardson, Mrs. Giallourakis, Mrs. Washington, Pastor Sexton, Pastor Wolvin, Mrs. Wolvin, etc. The list is never ending and I could go on forever but my mom says I ramble too much so I won’t. I’ll end with a little thought: A little girl came up to me 2 Wednesdays ago and told me she wished she could play like me. It took me back to the days I longed to play like Jill, the days I longed to teach like Mrs. Roscoe, and the moment in time God called me to serve Him with music. The cycle never ends and I hope to someday teach her. It’s my turn to carry the torch. Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

P.S. Soon more details on the giveaway to come.

This is My Resolution

It’s been a wonderful weekend filled with activities as well as rest. On Friday, I went over to my friend’s house for pizza and a movie. We watched Something Borrowed (side note: Dexter is hot!) and discussed the issues of life while yawning every 3 seconds. It was quite epic. Really, I’m serious it was. You would have said the same if you would’ve been there.

Due to the previous weekend’s activities, I just hung around the house on Saturday spending time on my computer editing pictures. (Fun!) Sunday was more exciting in that my brother’s fiancée came down for a visit. We went out to Olive Garden after the Sunday night service and I had a blast talking and laughing with all of my friends. I’ve told you many times how amazing they are so I won’t bore you with another story (today at least). That being said, I already miss my friend from New York. I wish she could move closer so we would be able to spend more time with each other. I thought of the concert, the visit to the zoo, the time catching up, and the time playing Family Feud (I WON!!). My mind kept drifting back to that Friday night we had a heart to heart talk until at least 2:30 in the morning. I had asked her some questions and told her to be honest. Well, she was honest and it was so hard for me to take it in and not react negatively but I needed to hear it. She was right and I was wrong. The worst thing about it was that I knew I had to change these things for a long time but tried to hide behind ignorance. Ignorance only works if you are truly ignorant. She told me of what she had observed and I was grateful for someone to say “Hey! You need to change this to become better”. I have always tried to be an open and honest person and request the same for those around me. However, sometimes I’m too honest and that can create many awkward moments i.e. Straight No Chaser concert but that’s a different story. I don’t like it when people beat around the bush and hesitate to tell me what’s really wrong. Tell me I’m ugly, don’t say you have a beautiful spirit and great personality and maybe to someone you’ll be beautiful. I don’t tolerate nonsense for very long or very well. I believe my friends would let me know if something’s the matter because most of them are as open and honest as I am. That being said, when you are around the same people for a long period of time you begin to think that that’s just the way they are. For instance they might say this about me: She’s single, a music lover, a sarcastic person who gets defensive, very open about her feelings, and worries about what people think about her. I really don’t know how my friends would describe me if they had to, I’ve never really asked. That could create an awkward situation and I don’t want to knowingly create one. I’m so good at unknowingly creating one that I don’t want to push things. I have asked my friends if there is anything that might turn someone off from liking me. The consensus came back the same time and time again: No. That really frustrated me as I knew I wasn’t perfect and I knew something was wrong but couldn’t pinpoint it (I thought). I had covered all my faults with excuses and instead of changing them I embraced them as a characteristic of me.

Last Friday night changed it all. I haven’t seen my friend for a couple of years and have never really spent an extended amount of time with her since junior high or so. She had a fresh perspective on what was going on with me. I asked her to be honest and she didn’t disappoint. I needed someone to expose my true self and the excuses that I had used to cover it up. What was wrong? I wear my heart on my sleeve and I let small things get to me. As you know, that never turns out too good. Hearts are meant to be kept guarded inside of your body. When it’s on your sleeve, it can get crushed so easily and it takes a long time to repair it. The littlest thing could set me off into a flurry of negative emotions and it would take forever for me to regain my composure only to be set off again. I never learned. It was like I kept running into this brick wall over and over again hoping it might change into a door. As if you didn’t know, walls don’t change into doors. Walls are walls, doors are doors, and no matter how many times you hope for change, walls will still be walls and doors will still be doors. The moral of the story is: Don’t run into walls. You get a headache and you look stupid doing it. I know that’s very deep isn’t it?

I realized I needed to quit being so sensitive and quit thinking something was wrong with me all the time if someone didn’t say hi or shake my hand. I needed to realize that people have bad days and sometimes they don’t want to talk to people. I needed to quit letting other people’s happiness in relationships bother me. I should be truly happy for them. I needed to quit harboring things people said and analyzing every word and phrase. I needed to quit asking people what they think of me because it only matters what God thinks.

I decided I had to come up with a resolution. I took my inspiration from the movie Courageous a few months ago and absolutely loved it. They have come a long way with the acting and story lines. One thing that really spoke to me was the resolution that all the fathers took. Their resolution is a lot different than mine as first of all they are men and second of all they are fathers. Mine is for me (a girl…bet you didn’t know that gem) and for me as a single person.

I resolve that I will be pure until the day of my marriage.

I resolve to search the Scriptures daily in order to grow in the Lord and to become a better person.

I resolve not to be popular or famous but to be a better Christian.

I resolve to tell others about Jesus and the amazing works He has made in my life.

I resolve to not falter when life’s earthquakes shake my core.

I resolve to not wear my heart on my sleeve and resolve to keep it guarded from all things that seek to hurt and destroy it.

I resolve to continue in the path that God has chosen for me whether it lead me to marriage or to remain a single woman.

I resolve to think on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, and of good report as mentioned in the book of Philippians chapter 4, verse 8.

This is my resolution and before God I promise to strive for these things.

(You are more than welcome to use this “resolution” if your heart so desires.)

I am not perfect and it will take a while for me to work on these things but I am committed. Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

P.S. This blog has now received over 700 views!! I feel so blessed that I reached that many people. For your faithful readership, I will soon be having a give-away. More information is to come in the near future.