Fear...its powerful feeling. It can render a person paralyzed in mere
seconds and can cause an otherwise normal person to become insane. We live our
lives trying to avoid our fears. It consumes us to the point we take special
precautions to never feel it. Dictators rule countries using fear as a means to
make their subjects serve them. Fears of death, torture, or imprisonment are
always good motivators to keep people in line. In America our government mostly
uses fear as deterrent for doing wrong. If you break the law, you will be put
in jail or fined or (depending on the circumstance) even die. Fear motivates us
to act out things we would have never thought of. Fear is life’s most dreadful
feeling. For me, the feeling starts from my head working its way down. My mind
realizes what I have seen or heard then freezes, my eyes widen as big as
saucers, my face falls, my throat closes in making it intensely hard to
breathe, my stomach sinks, and my legs are rendered incapable of movement. Time
seems to stand still until my mind unthaws and tells my legs to run. I do.
People say to never look back but I always do keeping in sight where that thing
is that caused my fear. My main fears are insects and heights. Heights because
I am afraid of falling and killing myself and insects because I am afraid they
will crawl on me. I hate things crawling on me. I must admit I have one more
fear. It haunts me at night and if I think about it too much I will go insane. It’s
the fear of the unknown. What is going to happen to me? Am I going to live with
my parents the rest of my life? Will I have a job next year? What do they
really think of me? Questions that never get answered making my mind spin out
of control. I think of these mostly at night when I can’t keep myself busy with
work or chores. I can never get rid of the feeling and only try to focus on the
more pleasant things in life.
I admit that this week has been very stressful for nothing happened the
way I wanted it to. Work has been stressful and my department is behind with no
eminent hope of ever getting caught up. My parents went away for a weeklong
vacation to Hawaii and I was the sole cleaner and cook for a week. Sorting
laundry, washing dishes, and making dinner only made me want a husband even
more to take care of which in turn made me depressed. I felt so at “home” doing
all these duties despite the stress I was under that I loved every moment of it.
Despite all this, I am afraid of what is to become. I am afraid because I don’t
know if God is ever going to provide a husband. I am afraid because I am human
and there is the possibility that I could be wrong about this whole thing. I am
afraid because I fear that God will make me love a person that I hate. I am
afraid that my future husband will not be what I want him to be. I am afraid
because I might be the reason he is not here and I am still alone. I am afraid
because I could be out of God’s will again and not living what He wants for me.
I am still afraid…I am still scared…I am still petrified. I can’t shake these
feelings and every once in a while they lift up their ugly heads showing me
that they are still there and aren’t leaving any time soon. My heart knows that
God has promised me that I will be married but my mind looks at the situation
saying “Well, where is he?” My heart knows that God will not make me love
someone I hate but my mind sees the guys around me and says “There is no hope
of ever getting a good looking guy. They are all taken or they don’t share the
same beliefs.” My heart knows that if he’s the right guy he will like me but my
mind looks at the other girls around me and says “You are big. No guys like big
girls. Besides you are so sarcastic, you’ll drive him away. He won’t understand
you.” My heart and mind argue on many things and most of the times, I admit, I
agree with my mind. There has to be some reason why I am still single and I
really can’t figure it out. I’m afraid because I don’t know what or why. I’m
afraid because I might be this horrible person that everyone is afraid of. I’m
afraid because I might be overanxious and that comes across as desperate. I’m
afraid because God might show the real reason why I don’t have a husband and I
won’t like it. I am scared, just plain scared.
I let the storm of fear grow worse and worse until I’m throw up my
hands and scream. Then God calls out in the storm and says “Hush!” and the fear
storm quiets down. The fear is still there and if I focus my mind on it, the
storm will begin again. God then reminds me of the verse in the Bible that says
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of a sound
mind.” Whatever kind of fear this is, it’s not from God but from somewhere
else. I realize if I focus on God, the fears just melt away but if I focus on
my fears, God just disappears from my sight. When God “disappears”, I become
frightened and frantically search for Him. If I focused on Him, I would know
where He went to but by this time the waves have become so high and the winds
so fierce that I can’t see or hear anything. It becomes pointless to keep
searching and screaming anymore so I give up. When I give up, I pray and that’s
when I hear the voice that I’ve missed so much saying “Peace be still.” The
waves calm down, the wind blows softly, the sun shines again, and as I look on
the horizon I see Him. Perhaps the only good thing about being afraid is the
feeling of safety and security that envelopes your soul once the fear has
passed. To me the answer is simple-Don’t focus on your fears. It’s the execution
that is the hard part. Fear has a way of creeping up and quickly reaching its
icy fingers touching your soul. You unknowingly stroll along in life happily
one moment and the next you are paralyzed scared of what is to happen. No one
can escape fear…no one. You can only learn to live with it and learn how to
deal with it when it comes. I can guarantee you that you will never lose your
fear. That sounds very hopeful, right? The only way to deal with fear is at
that first moment after it comes upon you. Let the fear pass but don’t let it
make your mind run in circles with endless confusion. Squelch it right there
and then. Don’t let it control your life for there’s nothing to fear but fear
itself, right? My heart says yes but my mind says no, for there are still
spiders and tall buildings out in the world. The battle starts again…
Until next time,
Be Happy Being Single
Always Remember to Sing in the Rain
Christa
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