A Passion for My Purpose

Music is enough for a lifetime

But a lifetime is not enough for music

I don’t really know what I would do without music. Music is my life if you haven’t figured that out by now. Y’all are smart so I know you have. I have talked a lot about music in the past but I haven’t made it personal.  So here is my story  of my long journey and finding my passion.

From the time I can remember music has had a great impact in my life. As I mentioned in the previous post The Influencers, I started playing piano when I was 5 or 6 at my Bachi’s house. I officially started teaching myself when I was in early elementary school. My mom homeschooled my brothers and I so I didn’t have the opportunity to take lessons at public school. My parents weren’t able to afford lessons so they bought a learn-at-home course from Madonna Woods. I remember my first song it involved three notes Middle C, D, and E. The lyrics went “Up we go, to the right, these three notes are very tight.” I can still play it!! My first special was at church and I played Quiet Time. The lyrics were “Quiet time is here now, let us all be still now, only when we’re quiet, can we hear the Lord.” It was my debut as a singer as well. I was hooked on music. I moved on to harder books and focused mostly on church music. I didn’t want to (and still don’t have a desire to) learn classical music. I wanted to play piano for church and that was all. I loved to hear the church pianist play and the passion inside me was so great that I craved playing the piano. It was my stress reliever. I played offertories at church every once in a while and challenged myself to learn harder, challenging songs. We had moved to North Carolina at this time and my mom found someone who agreed to give me piano lessons. She taught me how to play hymns and she encouraged me to play with both hands at the same time. I was super nervous about that but I quickly began to like it. I started playing some congregational hymns at church. I loved playing for church and I dreamed of the day that I would be a church piano player. My piano teacher then recommended a new piano teacher because she had taught me everything she knew. This piano teacher started working with me hymn-playing and started me on some classical music because I needed help on expression. I played one volume: LOUD. Then we moved to Ohio and there were no piano teachers there at that time who could teach me hymn-playing. I wanted to learn how to play better for church. The song leader at our church found out that I played piano and started having me play for some congregational hymns. I thoroughly enjoyed it and even started playing for some choir specials. I thought I was ready but when I look back I know I was just starting out and not even close to being prepared.  However, experience is the best teacher and I grew slowly but surely.

I went to college anticipating that I would major in music. Then the bombshell hit that sent me on a downward slide. I auditioned for the Dean of Music and he told me that I was nowhere near where I needed to be. I was so crushed that I broke down sobbing in front of him. I couldn’t believe that he said I couldn’t play. I tried my hardest and it wasn’t good enough. I started taking lessons and was told by my teacher that I wasn’t good enough to continue to be a major in music.  She told me to choose another major.  I quit practicing piano all together. I had given up and lost all my passion for piano. Every time I was near one I resisted the urge to play it for fear of making a fool of myself. I left that college and went to Crown. I decided to take choir and start taking piano lessons again. I started but I couldn’t do it. My piano teacher (although good) was not connecting with me. I stopped practicing again and rarely ever played piano at college. After graduation, I came back home and rarely played piano. My church already had a superb piano player and I had a very low esteem of myself and my piano playing. For a while, I never mentioned I played piano or even craved to play it. I practiced at the insistence of my mom and played one or two offertories for church. My pastor remembered I played for the congregation before and I began playing for church again. I still had a low esteem on how I played despite the fact people came up to me and complimented me on my playing style. I am very hard on myself and anything less than perfection was not good enough. I had to be perfect.

Then I meet my last piano teacher. She attended our church and started playing for Sunday night services. I started working with her on my playing style which only consisted of playing very fast and very loud. She worked with me on playing with expression and started teaching me more about hymn-playing. Our church’s song leader came up to me in the spring of 2011 and told me that my services were needed in playing piano during the summer. My piano teacher was having a baby and was going to be out for a couple of weeks. I apprehensively agreed and started playing on Sunday nights. I did well some nights and others, well we won’t talk about those. I made many mistakes and made the biggest blunder ever in the history of me playing the piano…I played in the wrong key. Goodness knows it was horrible. My pastor had to stop the song service because it was so bad. I transpose songs with more than 2 sharps into flats (it’s easier for me to play) but the organist doesn’t. She played the song in sharps and I played it in flats. I was crushed and wanted to crawl underneath the piano and cry. I saw myself back at the audition breaking down and sobbing. It was happening all over again. After the service, I texted my piano teacher and told her that I didn’t want to play piano anymore. She told me of the times that she (one of the best piano players I know) made a huge blunder. She told me that anyone could play piano and that with experience and practice I could be better. I stuck with it but that memory still haunts me. Slowly my passion started coming back and after that Kingsmen concert it was in full force. The cravings to play the piano were back and I longed for another chance. Our song leader used me as a substitute pianist so I got some chances but I was hungry and wanted more. Those months and weeks of waiting taught me controlled passion. I wasn’t ready to play yet. I took piano lessons from her for 2 years until she moved. I was saddened by it but I knew it was time for me to experiment on my own and spread my wings. I started practicing different techniques and style and I started playing piano for church regularly. I even played for a couple of choir specials (I was so nervous about those). I was thrilled because my passion came back and I had finally found “my” purpose. I still play fast and loud but I’m teaching myself to relax and enjoy every moment. I’m so passionate about piano playing that it comes off like I’m angry but I’m not, I’m just passionate. I hope God grants me more years of playing the piano and I pray that God will make my dream of becoming a church pianist come true.

So whatever your passion is whether it be music or computers whether it be food or writing just go for it. There are going to be some disappointments along the way but use those to make you stronger. Let your passion grow and never lose sight of what has been placed in your heart by God’s divine hand. Remember although perfection is a great motivator, it can be your biggest downfall. You will make mistakes but don’t ever give up!! There’s a reason and purpose for everything. Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

P.S. For those of you who haven't read about Operation Saturation, click here. You'll be glad you did.