Then It All Came Tumbling Down...

Welcome back to Simply Singing in the Rain! So many things have happened over the course of these 4 years and I don't know how to quite put them on paper or convey them via blog. Around February of this year, I started to wonder what would happen if I restarted this blog. I had ended abruptly in July of 2014 with a lighthearted post about visiting my relatives in New York. It was a great time of catch-up, barbecues, and fireworks. To be honest, I'm not sure why I really stopped blogging. I enjoyed it very much and I was learning so much about myself through it.

Let's reminisce about the year 2014... I had lost my job in February and did not get a new temp-to-hire one until May. Come September, I moved out of my parent's house into an 800 sq feet apartment with my older brother and the neighbor from hell next door. Yet all through these (and more) trials of life, I determined to stay positive and be thankful. After all, I had a decent job, good friends, a new (to me) car and freedom to go wherever and whenever the urge hit.

Then November rolled around. It started off pretty decent. I traveled with some friends to a concert in Bloomington, IN. It was just a 24 hr thing and I loved it! I absolutely love traveling and being that November is my birth month, I always tried to do something spontaneous and different. It all came to a screeching halt that 2nd week. I don't know if anyone remembers but in my last post I had briefly mentioned getting to spend time with my Babchi (Polish for Grandma). I had mentioned she wasn't doing well. Well, she was doing even worse and had to be placed in the hospital. We knew that her time on earth was drawing to a close and didn't think she would last the year. We were praying and hoping she wouldn't pass away near the holidays for my mother's (and ours) sake. On November 16, 2014, the Lord called my Babchi's name and took her home to be with Him forever. I was happy to not see her suffering and in any pain but oh did I miss her. It turned my world upside down. I thought I was prepared but it turns out I had just shoved that pain into a closet to be dealt with later.

Well, later came a-knocking on my door and when I opened it, everything came tumbling down. The walls of safety and protection I had carefully constructed just collapsed. My mind didn't know how to process so much information. It felt like I was the pinball in a pinball machine bouncing from side to side. What was happening to me? I now believe I had a nervous breakdown. Panic swooped in like a bird of prey attacking it's next meal. I couldn't get out of it. No matter where I turned there was fear and it controlled EVERY aspect of my life. Constant panic attacks wouldn't afford me much sleep and no sleep escalated my panic attacks. I was caught. Every waking moment, I was so afraid to breathe. There were no more walls...there was no more safety.

Today, a little over four years later, I remember those days with a heavy heart and saddened mind. It was only through the strength of God, the support of my family and friends, consistent counseling, medication, and prayer that I made it through. One of my good mentors from church told me that it would take a long time to heal and recover. I was thinking months and she meant years. She was right. She told me that this was something I would have to deal with the rest of my life and I thought maybe a few years. I'm not at the end of my life yet (I hope) but I know she is right. Anxiety is stacked deck.

"So what is the meaning of the post, Christa? I'm glad you got through it but what does this have to do with me?" To be frank, I'm not sure but this is what has been on my heart to write. I never really shared this story in full with anyone but a few trusted individuals yet I know there some out there who needed this. You are not alone. I've been there and quite frankly I'm still there. The panic attacks have stopped and I plan on getting a good night's sleep tonight but I know the fear is just right beyond the edges of my mind. It's waiting for the right moment to charge and break down my wall of safety. Sometimes it's sunny out and I can see it...other times it's quite dark and I lose sight of it. One thing this whole experience has taught me is to enjoy life and don't let the fear of being alone, the unknown, etc get in your way. Go live life and live life abundantly! I know it's cliche but before all this anxiety happened, I would just sit in my room like a bump on a log waiting for Prince Charming to come bounding in and whisk me away to a foreign land. Well, that hasn't happened. So quit waiting for the perfect moment or perfect person. Go take that trip! Go climb that mountain! Go skydiving! It will change your world.

Closing Thought: In each life, a little rain must fall. It must fall for the flowers to grow, the food to sprout, and the rivers to flow. Without rain, how special would a bright sunny day be?

Until next time,
Be Happy
Sing in the Rain

Christa