Throughout my teenage years, the teaching of non-touching between boys and girls was drilled in my brain. Many lectures and lessons were given about purity and abstinence. We were told the progression of that slippery slope started with hand holding. We were advised to have chaperons on each and every date to avoid rumors and any wrong doing. We should never be alone or we would begin to slide that dreaded slope which would inevitably lead to something we would regret. We were told to save our first kiss till our wedding day to avoid temptation. We were not to sit less than 6 inches away from each other. Choruses of "Leave room for the Holy Spirit" or "Sit a Bible between you" rang out. Abstain, abstain, abstain was drilled into our minds. Every time a new preacher or teacher came, messages of purity and modesty would always be the topic. They would hit hard on us girls. After all, we could tempt the boys with immodest dress to do unspeakable acts. The boys always seemed to be exempt from those services and teaching. Yet, no on taught us how to act around the opposite sex. No taught us what to say or what to do. No one...They just left us to traverse the tricky jungle of the dating world by ourselves. The only rule? You better not touch him or else you'll regret it. Pastors at weddings would always announce to the whole world that the couple being married never held hands or kissed. This was the example we were to follow. This should be us one day. Guys were off-limits until marriage and you better not touch one until then.
At the age of 12, I made a promise to the Lord that I would remain pure until my wedding day. If you are unfamiliar with this means, let me put it into simpler terms, I promised the Lord that I would remain a virgin until my wedding night. I believe that sex before you are married is wrong, plain and simple. I'm not trying to offend anyone by this, but the Bible states in 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 that fornication (sex outside of marriage) is sin and I believe that every word of the Bible is true and correct. If this is you, then take heart to know that there is no sin that God cannot forgive you from. The Bible says in 1 John 1:9 that he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins but only if we confess them. If you are considering giving your purity to the Lord, I encourage you to do it! There is no better gift to give your spouse on your wedding night. With that said, I shall continue to my point, there is nothing wrong with touching the opposite sex. In this case, since I am a girl, the opposite sex would be a boy. Very complicated, huh? All the things that I mentioned in the first paragraph are all things that I have heard preached, taught, or said to me regarding relationships. It became ingrained in my brain so much so that I became fearful of the opposite sex. I wouldn't talk to them, make eye contact with them, or heaven forbid touch them more than a handshake. I was sorely afraid that something I said or did would turn on a switch in the opposite sex's brain and he would immediately ask/want to do horrible things with me. I was nervous, pathetic mess. I was so awkward and weird around them. My brothers and parents would tease me and try to coach me to talk to the opposite sex. I would refuse and stubbornly go about my ways, after all, wasn't I doing the right thing? This went on well into my later teen years and even into my early 20s until one day it all changed.
I determined in my heart and mind to get over my fear and awkwardness around the opposite sex. I wasn't getting anywhere in my fortress all alone. I had to face the fact that I had to talk to the opposite sex. In this case, since I'm a girl, I had to talk to a man. It took a little bit but I practiced on one of my friends, who was single but I had no (romantic) interest in. It started out with saying "Hi" every time I saw him, then moved on to a few sentences, then full conversations. I started to realize that talking to boys was great! There was less drama and there was more to talk about. I love football and sports so it worked out great. There was no pressure to do things that I didn't want to do. There was no "sexual" connection at all. It was just happiness from having a good friend. So I became braver and made great strides in talking to guys and hanging out with them. I was no longer awkward in their presence and I could actually hold a conversation. Then it happened, I had to talk to a guy that I was interested in. I was so not ready for it but I knew I had to take that step to conquer my fear. I walked toward him and quickly blurted out a "Hi" and walked away as fast as possible. No one (not even him) will ever know how much effort that two letter word took from me. I was so proud of myself and eventually began having conversations with him. Turns out, he was interested in someone else (remember the curse?) but I had gained so much. I had gained the confidence to talk to not just any guy, but guys that I liked! Wow! Again, there was no magical experience or desire to do anything sexual. There was just me and a guy talking about our lives and nothing else.
Looking back at my teenage years, I wish we had less sermons/lessons on purity and modesty and more sermons/lessons directed at dealing with the opposite sex. For every case, there are always two extremes. For this topic, the extremes are: Stay Away Danger! and Go Ahead, Go all the Way. Can't we find a happy medium? For me, hand-holding and kissing before marriage is not a sin as long as you have boundaries. If you purposed in your heart to remain pure until marriage, then it will take a lot more than kissing and hand-holding to get you to change that decision. I am not, and I repeat I AM NOT!, going to share my first kiss with my spouse and the whole world. It will be a private moment between him and me and no one else. I will not be embarrassed my missing my new husband's face or slobbering all over him. No way! Just as a side note, instead of announcing to the whole world who hasn't kissed whom, let's embrace all couples who remained pure until their wedding day, they deserve some recognition too! The purpose of this post was not to offend anyone who may or may not have made decisions talked about earlier in this. It was to open our eyes a bit and perhaps re-think about the lessons/advice we give to the younger generation. It was also meant for guys and girls like me who have struggled forging friendships with the opposite sex.
If you have a bit of advice, be sure to leave a comment below! What did you struggle with and how did you overcome?
Until next time,
Be Happy Where You Are in Life,
Christa
At the age of 12, I made a promise to the Lord that I would remain pure until my wedding day. If you are unfamiliar with this means, let me put it into simpler terms, I promised the Lord that I would remain a virgin until my wedding night. I believe that sex before you are married is wrong, plain and simple. I'm not trying to offend anyone by this, but the Bible states in 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 that fornication (sex outside of marriage) is sin and I believe that every word of the Bible is true and correct. If this is you, then take heart to know that there is no sin that God cannot forgive you from. The Bible says in 1 John 1:9 that he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins but only if we confess them. If you are considering giving your purity to the Lord, I encourage you to do it! There is no better gift to give your spouse on your wedding night. With that said, I shall continue to my point, there is nothing wrong with touching the opposite sex. In this case, since I am a girl, the opposite sex would be a boy. Very complicated, huh? All the things that I mentioned in the first paragraph are all things that I have heard preached, taught, or said to me regarding relationships. It became ingrained in my brain so much so that I became fearful of the opposite sex. I wouldn't talk to them, make eye contact with them, or heaven forbid touch them more than a handshake. I was sorely afraid that something I said or did would turn on a switch in the opposite sex's brain and he would immediately ask/want to do horrible things with me. I was nervous, pathetic mess. I was so awkward and weird around them. My brothers and parents would tease me and try to coach me to talk to the opposite sex. I would refuse and stubbornly go about my ways, after all, wasn't I doing the right thing? This went on well into my later teen years and even into my early 20s until one day it all changed.
I determined in my heart and mind to get over my fear and awkwardness around the opposite sex. I wasn't getting anywhere in my fortress all alone. I had to face the fact that I had to talk to the opposite sex. In this case, since I'm a girl, I had to talk to a man. It took a little bit but I practiced on one of my friends, who was single but I had no (romantic) interest in. It started out with saying "Hi" every time I saw him, then moved on to a few sentences, then full conversations. I started to realize that talking to boys was great! There was less drama and there was more to talk about. I love football and sports so it worked out great. There was no pressure to do things that I didn't want to do. There was no "sexual" connection at all. It was just happiness from having a good friend. So I became braver and made great strides in talking to guys and hanging out with them. I was no longer awkward in their presence and I could actually hold a conversation. Then it happened, I had to talk to a guy that I was interested in. I was so not ready for it but I knew I had to take that step to conquer my fear. I walked toward him and quickly blurted out a "Hi" and walked away as fast as possible. No one (not even him) will ever know how much effort that two letter word took from me. I was so proud of myself and eventually began having conversations with him. Turns out, he was interested in someone else (remember the curse?) but I had gained so much. I had gained the confidence to talk to not just any guy, but guys that I liked! Wow! Again, there was no magical experience or desire to do anything sexual. There was just me and a guy talking about our lives and nothing else.
Looking back at my teenage years, I wish we had less sermons/lessons on purity and modesty and more sermons/lessons directed at dealing with the opposite sex. For every case, there are always two extremes. For this topic, the extremes are: Stay Away Danger! and Go Ahead, Go all the Way. Can't we find a happy medium? For me, hand-holding and kissing before marriage is not a sin as long as you have boundaries. If you purposed in your heart to remain pure until marriage, then it will take a lot more than kissing and hand-holding to get you to change that decision. I am not, and I repeat I AM NOT!, going to share my first kiss with my spouse and the whole world. It will be a private moment between him and me and no one else. I will not be embarrassed my missing my new husband's face or slobbering all over him. No way! Just as a side note, instead of announcing to the whole world who hasn't kissed whom, let's embrace all couples who remained pure until their wedding day, they deserve some recognition too! The purpose of this post was not to offend anyone who may or may not have made decisions talked about earlier in this. It was to open our eyes a bit and perhaps re-think about the lessons/advice we give to the younger generation. It was also meant for guys and girls like me who have struggled forging friendships with the opposite sex.
If you have a bit of advice, be sure to leave a comment below! What did you struggle with and how did you overcome?
Until next time,
Be Happy Where You Are in Life,
Christa
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