Learning to Be Lonely: Life's Greatest Disappointments

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise?

“I really think that he is the one!” I excitedly told my friend as we sat in the nursery discussing relationships. I had met this tall, dark and handsome young man at another church and I had convinced myself that he was the one. I had only talked to him for a brief moment but I knew that he was the one I was destined to marry. Starry-eyed and a little stalkerish, I found him on Facebook. He had a wonderful name and a lot of friends. I sent the friend request with some hesitation. I only met him for a second but I sent him a somewhat cheery message saying how I met him and invited him to a get together our group was having. He accepted my friend request but not the invitation to the get together. A little disappointed but still determined, I continued to look for opportunities for us to meet again and soon a well-known speaker came to our church. I was absolutely sure he would come and we would meet and he would ask me out and we would live happily ever after. This run-on sentence was my exact thought that day as I sent him a message inviting him to the services. He seemed excited and said that he might come. I was on cloud nine. That whole week I waited anxiously for him to come to church and sweep me off my feet but he never did. It was all in vain. A few weeks later his relationship status changed from Single to In a Relationship. Dun, dun, dun, the curse struck again. This was literally the tenth time that the curse had shattered my dreams. I let myself get caught up in the moment and my world came crashing down around me. I had put so much expectation and time into something that I knew wasn’t worth it. I was disappointed in myself for letting myself run free and uncontrolled. There was no one to blame but me.

My life has an unusual way of repeating itself in others. Two of my friends have gone through the same kind of disappointment this year: one has reacted the correct way, the other unfortunately has not. I know everyone reacts differently to disappointments. Some people hole themselves up in a room for a day or so, others seek to find revenge on the one who disappointed them, some distract themselves by staying busy, some cry endless tears, others bottle it up inside to pretend they’re strong. There is no blueprint or recipe for dealing with disappointments. Yet I can assure you this that there are right ways and there are wrong ways in dealing with disappointment. I think many people chose to react the wrong way because along with disappointment comes the aching hurt that can’t be satisfied. When you finally thought you found what your heart craved most and that maybe, just maybe God was finally answering your prayer only to find out that your heart will have to continue on craving. How could this happen? Our minds immediately go to the questions, “What did I do to make this happen? Could this have been avoided? How do I make this right?” followed by tears and the emphatic statements “I hate him/her. I’ll never speak to him/her again.” We get carried away by emotions and that in itself is normal. You are going to be hurt because it was something your heart strongly desired. The point is not to let your emotions run your life. Take control of them and don’t get swept away in a current of hurt. The farther downstream you go the harder you have to work to get back on track.

If you google dealing with disappointments you’ll find hundreds even thousands of different sure ways to deal with it. Being no stranger to disappointments (I’ve had quite a few) I shall now add my four not-so-easy ways. Excited yet? It takes time and it is hard but it works for me. Without further introduction here are my ways in dealing with disappointments. First, everyone in the world does not need to know that you are hurting inside or needs to know every text and word that was spoken. Please talk to your friends, they can support you in getting through this but don’t take an ad out in the New York Times announcing it. Second, let yourself let it go. Time heals all wounds is one of the worst clichés I’ve ever heard. Time does not heal emotional scars. Rose Kennedy says it best “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” Emotional scars never heal. They will always be there lurking in the shadows until the most opportune moment comes for them to resurface. Give yourself some time to deal with what life has so cruelly handed you. Most times I just need to come to terms with it. Once I have done that I can proceed to the next step. Third, forgive yourself and others. Your very next thought after a disappointment occurs is probably not forgiveness. Yet we have moved on from that. It’s time to put this to rest. If it was all your fault and doing, forgive yourself for making a mistake. You are a human, it didn’t turn out the way you expected, forgive yourself and learn from your mistake. If it was someone else’s fault, forgive them as well. You don’t have to be the best of friends after that. They have broken your trust and they need to prove to you that they are worth trusting again. You will find that forgiveness will greatly ease the pain caused by them. Finally, realize that this disappointment could save you even greater disappointment down the road. I’ve had many things disappointment me only to find out later down the road that I was saved a lot of hurt. It was a blessing that I went through the disappointment so early before I got so involved that I would be devastated and unable to move on. I am an optimist by trade so it comes easier to see the “bright” side in life. If it’s harder for you determine in your heart that you refuse to dwell on the negative and do it.

Life will have its share of disappointments and it’s almost guaranteed that every one of them will hurt. There will be major and minor disappointments but remember don’t let it beat you and don’t ever let it turn you bitter. That’s not good for anyone. Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

Learning to Be Lonely Part Three: Therewith to be Content

I’m waiting, I’m waiting on you Lord

And I am hopeful

I’m waiting on you Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently I will wait

It was the day of the company picnic. Many of us had worked very hard to keep the company afloat from the recent layoffs in which 15 employees lost their jobs. Our CEO decided that we needed a moment to relax and enjoy a break from the craziness surrounding us. We enjoyed a lunch of slightly charcoaled hot dogs and burgers, not that I complaining any free meal is a good meal. As soon as we finished, our CEO started to read from a list of names. I anxiously waited for him to call mine but alas it did not happen. He finished reading the list and excitedly announced to those people whose names were just read “You’re going home early for the day”. Half of the workforce was given a paid half-day off while the rest of us (including me) were told to be patient and eventually something would be figured out for us. A little bit steamed I headed back to my desk with my mind filled with anger and complaints that I am not going to repeat here. Then the phrase “therewith to be content” popped into my mind. God was showing me that I needed to be content with any situation handed to me. Begrudgingly I swallowed my anger/jealousy and made myself wish those people a good half-day off. I’m not going to lie about how I felt and say that I enjoyed saying have a happy day off. Sorry to say it hurt even worse to talk to them but I knew it was the right thing to do. I eventually got over my jealousy and continued about my workday looking forward to the weekend’s activities. Like my parents say life isn’t always fair

So what does it mean to truly be content? Webster’s Dictionary defines it simply as satisfied. Paul wrote in the book of Philippians saying “Not that I speak in respect or want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content”.  Whatsoever state literally means whatsoever state. Whatever stage in life I am, I must be content. The feeling of life moving on for others and me standing still is something that I have to get used to. It’s that plain and simple. It’s not because I did anything wrong but because today is the day that God wants me to be single. Tomorrow I might meet the man of my dreams or I might go to bed dreaming of the moment we shall meet. Whatever the outcome of tomorrow I must remember to be content in God’s will and trust that He knows what is the best for me. A song comes to mind that I heard awhile ago called Trust His Heart. The chorus goes “God is too wise to be mistaken, God is too good to be unkind, So when you don't understand, When you don't see His plan, When you can't trace His hand, Trust His Heart”. When you can’t see where God is moving in your life or circumstances, remember that God loves you deeply and He would never do anything that would wreck your life. It’s so hard for me to relinquish the fact that God will take care of it. I’m so scared that I am going to end up with someone I hate. Why would I or should I think that? God would never put me with someone I hate but I guess that’s the way us humans think.

I continue to struggle with contentment as I have come to find out that I am a very jealous person. For instance, when someone is recognized for their hard work, the question “Why didn’t you recognize me” comes to my mind instead of being genuinely happy for that person. When someone is chosen over me no matter how innocent the choice “Why didn’t you choose me?”  is the question raised instead of the fact that they wanted to give that person a chance to do something. Some of you might say that is natural but I say it’s a wrong kind of natural. I can’t live my life being jealous of people. I need to live my life to be content with what opportunities God provides. I can’t walk around moping because someone picked Susie Q over me to play the piano. I need to realize that there are 3 other piano players in our church and I need to (for lack of a better term) back off. I must confess I am most jealous not about other people’s relationships but about playing piano in church. There have been many (emphasis on many) times, I have gotten very greedy and angry if someone doesn’t pick me or I am someone’s last choice. I don’t understand where this comes from and I know that it’s not right. I Timothy 6:5-8 states “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.” God didn’t give me the musical ability to play the piano and sing in order for me to be jealous and greedy over every little incident. He gave it to me to worship Him only. If I never play piano for church again and if everyone else picks Susie Q over me to play for their specials, then I must remember to be content. God entrusted me with a special gift and I haven’t been a great steward about it. I must confess there are many times I play the piano for my glory instead of God’s all because I was in state of discontent. I wasn’t content to use my abilities the way God had intended for me to use them. How could I be so stupid? What was I thinking? God wants me to glorify Him and when I finally learn to do that God will open wide the doors of opportunity.

So, today is the moment in time that jealousy and discontentment stop running my life. Today is the day that I will start to learn what it truly means to be content in whatever state I am in. Today is another step in my journey of learning to be lonely by being content with my present. Looking ahead, I realize it’s going to be a hard journey. Looking back, I realize that I’ve come so far that it’s too late to turn back now. Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

Learning to Be Lonely Part Two: Facing My Demons

I've dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons

Finally content with the past I regret

I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness

For once I’m at peace with myself

I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long

I’m moving on

In order for me to move forward in my journey of learning to become lonely and to accept the future, I must deal with the past. The ghosts, the demons, the regrets, the past mistakes, the wrongs done to me, and the wrongs I have done all haunt me from day to day. Some are regular occurrences and others are hidden so deep that I have forgotten that they are there. They all bring sorrow and regret every time they surface. I will never get rid of them because they are engraved in my mind and written in my heart. Before I delve into the heart of the matter, I would like to explain what I mean by facing my demons. If you Google the phrase Facing Your Demons you will find that it means to face your fears or something that you have tried to avoid. I believe that it goes much deeper than just facing something you are trying to avoid. Of course, you would always want to avoid demons; they tend to not make the best of friends. I believe the phrase means to deal with those things tucked and hidden away in your heart that no one knows about. Demons are the worst things (in my mind) that you have done or that someone has done to you. Avoiding them does not make them haunt you any less in fact more often than not it makes it worse. I must face my demons…

Demon #1 is not something that I have done or some fear I need to deal with, it’s something that someone has done to me. (The names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent.) After my family and I moved from Rochester, NY to Wilson, NC, I lost many friends. Let me preface this story by saying that throughout my life, I have never really fit in with anybody. I am a drifter. I am one who tends to do their own thing whether everyone is on board or not. At this point in my life, I was a bold tween who had problems fitting into people’s molds. I realize now I had made a horrible decision and have since learned fitting into a certain people’s molds is unrealistic. Back to the story, I met a girl named Jenny who was around my age and we started hanging out with each other. Jenny was fun to be with. She had a great laugh, she was artistic like me, and she played the piano. We hit it off and soon became (in my mind) good friends. We sat together in church, played duets on the piano, and had sleepovers. Soon a new girl around our age named Susie came and joined the church. She came from an broken family and needed good friends so Jenny and I started hanging out with her. Soon Jenny and Susie started hitting it off and Jenny started hanging out more with Susie. What happened to me? Well, Jenny and I drifted further and further apart until we stopped talking altogether. Jenny and Susie always hung out together. They dressed alike, played duets, and shopped together. Wherever Jenny was there was Susie right behind here. A lot of silent hurt was done and ever since then life was somehow never been the same for me. The feeling of being forgotten became a regular occurrence in that time period and I’ve had problems “getting over it”. I have never faced Jenny to tell her how I felt. I felt that Jenny didn’t hang around me because of things that I had done. I started to distance myself from them to avoid the hurt and started building the walls that would take many years to bring down. Jenny eventually realized that I had placed distance between her and Susie and tried to reach out but in my mind the damage had been done. I refused her without the slightest hesitation and never looked back. I had to protect myself from being hurt again. She never really apologized for the hurt she caused. I don’t know why and up to know I could care less. Even today, I am very scared to meet and grow close to people for fear of this happening again. The walls and the distance I placed in between myself and my friends never really came down until a few years ago when I met my church friends. I started my healing process and some walls still remain. If I start feeling awkward I start distancing myself and become afraid of the hurt that might be caused. For me to face this demon and start removing the rest of the walls, I have to forgive her. I have never really forgiven Jenny for what she has done and in order for me to move on with my life, I need too. So Jenny, I forgive you for the hurt and the pain that has been caused by this situation. Forgive me for rejecting you. God bless you in your life.

Demon #2 is my past. This is the biggest demon by far and it has held me in its grasp for far, far too long. Like the rest of the world, I have regrets. Regrets that appear from a word, song, sign, movie, or place. I can go along happy in the world for one minute and the next minute I’m doubled over in agony for those things I most regret doing. Time for the confession…this is really hard to say and I have debated not going into so much detail but in order for me to encourage others I must. From the time I was a teenager until my early 20’s, I was a pathological liar to my parents, pastor, and almost anyone. I aimed to please others and I would accomplish that my any means necessary. One of those means was lying. I broke the trust of my parents and hurt them deeply. I lied about the big things like why I was late from work to the little things like why I didn’t turn on the dryer. It was a struggle and many tears were shed as well as heated arguments given. I started to dislike my parents and planned on moving out. Thankfully, God was watching over me and protected me from my own self. I always knew I could walk out the door into oblivion but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was ready to forget God, my family, and my friends all for nothing but I just couldn’t do it. I attended Crown College in 2007 and dared God to change me. I was so angry, hurt, and confused that I couldn’t bear to change. I was tired of trying to fit into people’s molds and it coming down to crash in my face. I was done with everything. I tried to keep the anger in and put on the façade of a lovely Christian young lady but my anger started spilling out till it all came crashing down on me. I was tired of fighting and that’s when God got a hold of me and saved me from myself (again). He changed me and in March of 2008 I rededicated my life to the Lord. God has been working in my life since and I am thankful every day for what He has done for me. The past still haunts me despite my parents and God’s forgiveness so it’s time for me to deal with it. It’s time for me to forgive myself for the wrongs I have done to me. Christa, I forgive you for hurting your parents and your friends. I forgive you for the anger that you have lashed out on me. I forgive you for trying to forget everything and everyone that made you into what you are today. You are a beautiful girl inside and out. Show the world. You are forgiven. Face your demons and move on. I love you.

In conclusion: To you out there (single or not) that have those demons and ghost haunting you, face them and move on.  You will never forget but just now that God’s forgiveness goes as deep as God’s love. How deep is it? It’s never ending. It’s not easy but it’s worth it.

Until next time,

Be Happy being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

P.S. Shout-out to my Uncle Bill, Eric, Mom, Dad, and Leann. Thank you for your faithfulness in reading my blog. Thank you also for your very kind words.

Learning To Be Lonely Part One: Dealing with the Loneliness

Child of the wilderness

Born into emptiness

Learn to be lonely

Learn to find your way in darkness

The Phantom of the Opera is one of the most classic love stories of all time. If you’ve never seen it, the movie/Broadway play is about a woman named Christine who is caught between two lovers: one whom she loves (Raul) and one whom is infatuated with her (the Phantom).  I won’t ruin the ending for you but the choice is clear to me who she should have chosen to marry. Unfortunately, he didn’t make that choice and I was thoroughly disappointed in her decision making skills. Anyways, the song Learn to be Lonely is played during the credits for the movie (not the play). This song has been in my head all day especially the first verse. I never grasped the meaning of the song until inspiration hit me. Before I continue, I wanted to say that I know it’s been a long absence from when I wrote my last post but to tell the truth I didn’t have anything to write besides sadness. This blog isn’t meant for sadness and I realize I am not accomplishing what I intended too when I first started this blog. No one wants to read about my depressing days. I don’t even want to read about them. So I apologize from the deepest depths of my heart on this. I took the time off from blogging to refocus and gain inspiration from my family, God, and music. To be honest, I missed blogging but it was important for me to refocus. Hence this post...now back to the song. Here are a few facts about loneliness: A 2006 study from American Sociological Review  showed that Americans have on average 2 close friends and also showed that 25% of Americans stated that they had no close friends. That is sad to me. Everyone should have that one friend in whom they can confide in. If you don’t have that, life can be very difficult. It’s a fact that humans don’t want to be alone. There is something inside of us that makes us want to be around people. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to face ourselves; maybe it’s because everything is more fun with people. For each of us, it’s different and we all have to answer the question within ourselves of what makes us lonely. For me, it’s when I feel like life is flying by for other people but drags on for me. Is there an answer? Unfortunately, there is no open and shut case, no definitive answer, and no foolproof solution. Loneliness has no concern on whether or not single or in a relationship. It can appear at anytime, anywhere, and on any occasion. It can happen in a crowded room as easily it can happen when you lie down to sleep at night. Loneliness can be discouraging and annoying all at the same time.

That being said how do you deal with it? What is the key to releasing it from your mind? As stated before there is no one solution to getting rid of loneliness. Sorry to say but you will never get rid of it for it always has its way of creeping up on you. The way to deal with loneliness is to learn to be lonely and to be comfortable with the feeling. Not sure what I mean? We shall use the superhero Hulk for an example. Bruce Banner turns into an ugly green monster (aka Hulk) when he gets angry. If you watched the movie Avengers, one of Hulk’s key lines is when he answers Captain America’s request for him to get angry. His response? I’m always angry. Say what? Through the process of time Bruce Banner (Hulk) learned that in order to avoid struggling with his anger and risk being Hulk at any moment, he should embrace his anger as a part of him and learn to live with it. I know he’s just a fictional Superhero but I believe he has a point. If you take this example and apply it to loneliness you will find a different outlook on life. Instead of avoiding it and pretending that it doesn’t exist, you must face the fact that there will be times you will get that alone-in-a-crowded-room feeling. Let’s face it, you are human and there will be moments of weakness. Now that we know we are lonely, in order for us to start the learning process we should identify what makes you lonely. As said in before, for me loneliness comes when it seems that everyone else’s life is flying by and I’m still stuck at a crossroad. There is no way I can avoid this loneliness unless I avoid having friends. Since that’s not going to happen, I have to learn to embrace the fact that when those times come, I will be lonely. So what do you do? One aspect of learning to be lonely is not bottle it in. Let it out and vent to a friend if necessary. Choose a trusted confidant whether it is your parents, your pastor, your co-worker, your best friend from high school, or your mate. Don’t have one? Go get one. I can hear you say it’s easier said than done Christa. Yes it is, friendships do take work and although some friendships can start overnight, others take years for bonding. Despite this fact, you need a confidant to encourage you and give you an unbiased perspective. Some tips of finding a friend: Be yourself. It’s no good when you are pretending to be someone else just because they might not like you. Be friendly. (Aren’t you glad you read this?) The Bible states that a man that hath friends must show himself friendly. No one wanted to be Scrooge’s friend until he became a friendly dude. Give of yourself. Don’t be leech and suck all your friend’s finances and time. You have a give a little to get a little and you have to give a lot to get a lot. Have a good listening ear. Don’t be that one friend that talks all the time about nothing important and never listens to what people say. Once you have friends, confide in them. They are there to encourage and support you. Sometimes it’s just good enough for me to talk it out with someone and that’s all I need. Don’t keep all your feelings inside as an effort to pretend that you are strong. You are a human and you have feelings, so show them. If you bottle it up, you will end up causing further problems down the road. Believe me…I used to be that way. I would hold it all inside until it was too much to bear then I would erupt and hurt everyone around me. I ended up destroying more friendships that way than building them.

It’s not easy being lonely. In fact it’s just plain difficult but we shouldn’t let it make us desperate for a mate or a friend in order to avoid the feeling. Don’t be afraid to be lonely and don’t beat yourself up over the feelings that God has given you. Instead, use it to get closer to the friends you have by confiding in them. Use it as way to become comfortable with you as a person. Learn to be lonely…

Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

P.S. Look for part two soon!!!

And the Winner Is....

Drum Roll Please.....

The Winner of Operation Saturation Giveaway is................JW!!!! Thank you all so much for your help. JW, if you would like you could e-mail the information about you and where you want the gift card to be sent to hailcesar87@gmail.com.

Thanks again everyone.

Christa

I'm Scared...

Fear...its powerful feeling. It can render a person paralyzed in mere seconds and can cause an otherwise normal person to become insane. We live our lives trying to avoid our fears. It consumes us to the point we take special precautions to never feel it. Dictators rule countries using fear as a means to make their subjects serve them. Fears of death, torture, or imprisonment are always good motivators to keep people in line. In America our government mostly uses fear as deterrent for doing wrong. If you break the law, you will be put in jail or fined or (depending on the circumstance) even die. Fear motivates us to act out things we would have never thought of. Fear is life’s most dreadful feeling. For me, the feeling starts from my head working its way down. My mind realizes what I have seen or heard then freezes, my eyes widen as big as saucers, my face falls, my throat closes in making it intensely hard to breathe, my stomach sinks, and my legs are rendered incapable of movement. Time seems to stand still until my mind unthaws and tells my legs to run. I do. People say to never look back but I always do keeping in sight where that thing is that caused my fear. My main fears are insects and heights. Heights because I am afraid of falling and killing myself and insects because I am afraid they will crawl on me. I hate things crawling on me. I must admit I have one more fear. It haunts me at night and if I think about it too much I will go insane. It’s the fear of the unknown. What is going to happen to me? Am I going to live with my parents the rest of my life? Will I have a job next year? What do they really think of me? Questions that never get answered making my mind spin out of control. I think of these mostly at night when I can’t keep myself busy with work or chores. I can never get rid of the feeling and only try to focus on the more pleasant things in life.

I admit that this week has been very stressful for nothing happened the way I wanted it to. Work has been stressful and my department is behind with no eminent hope of ever getting caught up. My parents went away for a weeklong vacation to Hawaii and I was the sole cleaner and cook for a week. Sorting laundry, washing dishes, and making dinner only made me want a husband even more to take care of which in turn made me depressed. I felt so at “home” doing all these duties despite the stress I was under that I loved every moment of it. Despite all this, I am afraid of what is to become. I am afraid because I don’t know if God is ever going to provide a husband. I am afraid because I am human and there is the possibility that I could be wrong about this whole thing. I am afraid because I fear that God will make me love a person that I hate. I am afraid that my future husband will not be what I want him to be. I am afraid because I might be the reason he is not here and I am still alone. I am afraid because I could be out of God’s will again and not living what He wants for me. I am still afraid…I am still scared…I am still petrified. I can’t shake these feelings and every once in a while they lift up their ugly heads showing me that they are still there and aren’t leaving any time soon. My heart knows that God has promised me that I will be married but my mind looks at the situation saying “Well, where is he?” My heart knows that God will not make me love someone I hate but my mind sees the guys around me and says “There is no hope of ever getting a good looking guy. They are all taken or they don’t share the same beliefs.” My heart knows that if he’s the right guy he will like me but my mind looks at the other girls around me and says “You are big. No guys like big girls. Besides you are so sarcastic, you’ll drive him away. He won’t understand you.” My heart and mind argue on many things and most of the times, I admit, I agree with my mind. There has to be some reason why I am still single and I really can’t figure it out. I’m afraid because I don’t know what or why. I’m afraid because I might be this horrible person that everyone is afraid of. I’m afraid because I might be overanxious and that comes across as desperate. I’m afraid because God might show the real reason why I don’t have a husband and I won’t like it. I am scared, just plain scared.

I let the storm of fear grow worse and worse until I’m throw up my hands and scream. Then God calls out in the storm and says “Hush!” and the fear storm quiets down. The fear is still there and if I focus my mind on it, the storm will begin again. God then reminds me of the verse in the Bible that says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of a sound mind.” Whatever kind of fear this is, it’s not from God but from somewhere else. I realize if I focus on God, the fears just melt away but if I focus on my fears, God just disappears from my sight. When God “disappears”, I become frightened and frantically search for Him. If I focused on Him, I would know where He went to but by this time the waves have become so high and the winds so fierce that I can’t see or hear anything. It becomes pointless to keep searching and screaming anymore so I give up. When I give up, I pray and that’s when I hear the voice that I’ve missed so much saying “Peace be still.” The waves calm down, the wind blows softly, the sun shines again, and as I look on the horizon I see Him. Perhaps the only good thing about being afraid is the feeling of safety and security that envelopes your soul once the fear has passed. To me the answer is simple-Don’t focus on your fears. It’s the execution that is the hard part. Fear has a way of creeping up and quickly reaching its icy fingers touching your soul. You unknowingly stroll along in life happily one moment and the next you are paralyzed scared of what is to happen. No one can escape fear…no one. You can only learn to live with it and learn how to deal with it when it comes. I can guarantee you that you will never lose your fear. That sounds very hopeful, right? The only way to deal with fear is at that first moment after it comes upon you. Let the fear pass but don’t let it make your mind run in circles with endless confusion. Squelch it right there and then. Don’t let it control your life for there’s nothing to fear but fear itself, right? My heart says yes but my mind says no, for there are still spiders and tall buildings out in the world. The battle starts again…

Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa 

A Passion for My Purpose

Music is enough for a lifetime

But a lifetime is not enough for music

I don’t really know what I would do without music. Music is my life if you haven’t figured that out by now. Y’all are smart so I know you have. I have talked a lot about music in the past but I haven’t made it personal.  So here is my story  of my long journey and finding my passion.

From the time I can remember music has had a great impact in my life. As I mentioned in the previous post The Influencers, I started playing piano when I was 5 or 6 at my Bachi’s house. I officially started teaching myself when I was in early elementary school. My mom homeschooled my brothers and I so I didn’t have the opportunity to take lessons at public school. My parents weren’t able to afford lessons so they bought a learn-at-home course from Madonna Woods. I remember my first song it involved three notes Middle C, D, and E. The lyrics went “Up we go, to the right, these three notes are very tight.” I can still play it!! My first special was at church and I played Quiet Time. The lyrics were “Quiet time is here now, let us all be still now, only when we’re quiet, can we hear the Lord.” It was my debut as a singer as well. I was hooked on music. I moved on to harder books and focused mostly on church music. I didn’t want to (and still don’t have a desire to) learn classical music. I wanted to play piano for church and that was all. I loved to hear the church pianist play and the passion inside me was so great that I craved playing the piano. It was my stress reliever. I played offertories at church every once in a while and challenged myself to learn harder, challenging songs. We had moved to North Carolina at this time and my mom found someone who agreed to give me piano lessons. She taught me how to play hymns and she encouraged me to play with both hands at the same time. I was super nervous about that but I quickly began to like it. I started playing some congregational hymns at church. I loved playing for church and I dreamed of the day that I would be a church piano player. My piano teacher then recommended a new piano teacher because she had taught me everything she knew. This piano teacher started working with me hymn-playing and started me on some classical music because I needed help on expression. I played one volume: LOUD. Then we moved to Ohio and there were no piano teachers there at that time who could teach me hymn-playing. I wanted to learn how to play better for church. The song leader at our church found out that I played piano and started having me play for some congregational hymns. I thoroughly enjoyed it and even started playing for some choir specials. I thought I was ready but when I look back I know I was just starting out and not even close to being prepared.  However, experience is the best teacher and I grew slowly but surely.

I went to college anticipating that I would major in music. Then the bombshell hit that sent me on a downward slide. I auditioned for the Dean of Music and he told me that I was nowhere near where I needed to be. I was so crushed that I broke down sobbing in front of him. I couldn’t believe that he said I couldn’t play. I tried my hardest and it wasn’t good enough. I started taking lessons and was told by my teacher that I wasn’t good enough to continue to be a major in music.  She told me to choose another major.  I quit practicing piano all together. I had given up and lost all my passion for piano. Every time I was near one I resisted the urge to play it for fear of making a fool of myself. I left that college and went to Crown. I decided to take choir and start taking piano lessons again. I started but I couldn’t do it. My piano teacher (although good) was not connecting with me. I stopped practicing again and rarely ever played piano at college. After graduation, I came back home and rarely played piano. My church already had a superb piano player and I had a very low esteem of myself and my piano playing. For a while, I never mentioned I played piano or even craved to play it. I practiced at the insistence of my mom and played one or two offertories for church. My pastor remembered I played for the congregation before and I began playing for church again. I still had a low esteem on how I played despite the fact people came up to me and complimented me on my playing style. I am very hard on myself and anything less than perfection was not good enough. I had to be perfect.

Then I meet my last piano teacher. She attended our church and started playing for Sunday night services. I started working with her on my playing style which only consisted of playing very fast and very loud. She worked with me on playing with expression and started teaching me more about hymn-playing. Our church’s song leader came up to me in the spring of 2011 and told me that my services were needed in playing piano during the summer. My piano teacher was having a baby and was going to be out for a couple of weeks. I apprehensively agreed and started playing on Sunday nights. I did well some nights and others, well we won’t talk about those. I made many mistakes and made the biggest blunder ever in the history of me playing the piano…I played in the wrong key. Goodness knows it was horrible. My pastor had to stop the song service because it was so bad. I transpose songs with more than 2 sharps into flats (it’s easier for me to play) but the organist doesn’t. She played the song in sharps and I played it in flats. I was crushed and wanted to crawl underneath the piano and cry. I saw myself back at the audition breaking down and sobbing. It was happening all over again. After the service, I texted my piano teacher and told her that I didn’t want to play piano anymore. She told me of the times that she (one of the best piano players I know) made a huge blunder. She told me that anyone could play piano and that with experience and practice I could be better. I stuck with it but that memory still haunts me. Slowly my passion started coming back and after that Kingsmen concert it was in full force. The cravings to play the piano were back and I longed for another chance. Our song leader used me as a substitute pianist so I got some chances but I was hungry and wanted more. Those months and weeks of waiting taught me controlled passion. I wasn’t ready to play yet. I took piano lessons from her for 2 years until she moved. I was saddened by it but I knew it was time for me to experiment on my own and spread my wings. I started practicing different techniques and style and I started playing piano for church regularly. I even played for a couple of choir specials (I was so nervous about those). I was thrilled because my passion came back and I had finally found “my” purpose. I still play fast and loud but I’m teaching myself to relax and enjoy every moment. I’m so passionate about piano playing that it comes off like I’m angry but I’m not, I’m just passionate. I hope God grants me more years of playing the piano and I pray that God will make my dream of becoming a church pianist come true.

So whatever your passion is whether it be music or computers whether it be food or writing just go for it. There are going to be some disappointments along the way but use those to make you stronger. Let your passion grow and never lose sight of what has been placed in your heart by God’s divine hand. Remember although perfection is a great motivator, it can be your biggest downfall. You will make mistakes but don’t ever give up!! There’s a reason and purpose for everything. Until next time,

Be Happy Being Single

Always Remember to Sing in the Rain

Christa

P.S. For those of you who haven't read about Operation Saturation, click here. You'll be glad you did.