My Letter to Him

It has been a little over a month since I have determined to be single and be happy. I must say that I am more content with my life since then. I feel the freedom to be myself and less pressure to find someone to “complete” me. Granted, I have had my unhappy moments but I have had no moments with tears. There I have had moments of sadness but I have had no signs of depression. I don’t know why I did not make this decision long ago. Selfishness and pride have more than a little something to do with it. Wanting what I wanted and wanting it now. I despise people who act that way and I am embarrassed to say that I acted like a selfish child. That has been put into the past. I still have a longing for a husband but I am content to wait on God for that husband.

My friend told me yesterday that I would have that “Love at First Sight” moment I always wanted. I always dreamed that it would be just like Cinderella when she first met Prince Charming. They both knew by the end of the night that they were meant to be together. I hope I have that moment but if not it’ll be ok. My hopes and dreams may not be the best way. God knows the best way and I just have to trust Him to work it all out. It’s been so hard to relinquish that trust but I know my dreams are in safe hands. I trust my imperfect dreams to a perfect God who can make them more beautiful than I could ever imagine. This post is not meant to be a discouraging or a “pity me” moment but a reflection of everything that has happened in a month. I have grown so much and I realize that maybe I wasn’t as ready as I thought. God will bring him at just the right time. I am waiting…

Ever since I was in college in 2006 at PCC, I have written letters to my husband. I don’t know if I will ever give them to him as some of them are really discouraging and most of them are ramblings about how much I miss him, etc. They have been very therapeutic for me in that it’s helped me to remember God’s promise that he is out there. I am a very imaginative person and sometimes tend to see things that are not even implied or there so for me writing a letter to my future husband helps me to think of him as real person not a figment of my imagination. With the letter, I feel like I am talking to him, I just have to wait a little longer than normal for a response. I am going to give you a look into one of my letters to my husband. I am writing to him about this past month. I am a very private person and have more than once considered keeping this to myself but I need to make it real to me. Don’t worry, I won’t get too mushy or over the top. I’ll stop rambling and post the letter.

Dear Darling (side note: I hate the term “babe” or “baby”. Darling sounds so much better don’t you think?)

Dear Darling,

It’s been a while since I have written to you and I am sorry. Many things have happened so I will try to catch you up on all the details. In November, my friend and I went to a Straight No Chaser concert and had a blast. We are going again in April and taking a mini-road trip to Toledo with 2 other girls. I am very excited as I have new camera and I hope to get better pictures with all the guys.

Christmas and New Year’s Day came and went with little to no hiccups; however, it was a very trying time for me. Holidays always seem to bring the thought that you are not here with me but for now that’s what God wants and I must learn to trust Him. January was a very rough month as I had thought that 2011 would have been the year we met. As you know and see, it was not. I put a lot of worry and stress on my body so much that it was affecting my relationships with my friends and family and it affected my health. I was so sure that I would meet you but I was not on the same wavelength as God. On January 24^th, I decided to stop worrying and stressing about nothing and trust God. It is now February 27^th and I feel like a new person. I’m happy to be single at this time in my life. I still miss you and still long for you especially the times my music playlist brings up love songs but I am more content to wait for God to bring me to you. Maybe we’ll have that Cinderella “Love at First Sight” moment, maybe it will be a gradual falling in love, or maybe it will be a whirlwind romance. Whatever the case, I know you’re out there or I wouldn’t be writing to you.

My little brother has since gotten an engaged to a wonderful girl name Harmony. I finally have the sister I have always wanted. She is a wonderful girl and I look forward to being in her wedding. I can’t believe that my little brother is getting married. When you live with someone for 23 years you start to think you’ll live with them for forever. Then all of sudden you come to the realization that you won’t be living with them next year is something that sounds unbearable. It’s a big step for both of our families.

I can’t wait to plan our wedding. I hope you will be easygoing during that time because I have been planning this for years. I know that you are just what God wants for me. I hope you understand sarcasm and randomness because those two things are ingrained in my personality. If you don’t, boy are you in for a big surprise!! Wow! Anyways, this letter has dragged on but I just wanted to write you and let you know I’m still care for you and love you even though I haven’t met you yet. Oh last thing (I told you I was random), you need to listen to Maker of the Rain by Soul’d Out Quartet. It is a wonderful song and I would love to sing it as a solo but I don’t if I could get the courage to ask Steve. Anyways, I love you and look forward to seeing you sometime in the future.

Your Love,

Christa

There you have it my letter to him-my future husband. Thank you for allowing me to have a private moment. Oh by the way, you all need to listen to that song Maker of the Rain. It’s wonderful and it goes with my blog theme-even better!!

To the Singles in the World-Be Happy Being Single.

To Everyone-Always Remember to Sing in the Rain.

Christa

My Wedding

Over the past month or so, I have had quite a few dreams about weddings, mine or someone else’s. It might be because my little brother Joel got engaged to a wonderful girl last week. I’ve known about this forever. They are the perfect match for each other and I am really excited to gain a new sister (in-law). I’ve always prayed for a sister but my parents were not inclined to have another child so I had to wait many years. I know the wait will be worth it J Now that the time has come for them to plan their wedding, it will be my first time as a bridesmaid. I have been involved in many weddings as the Guest Book Attendant and Backstage Helper (for lack of a better term) but never in the semi-forefront. It will be interesting this time and exciting. I am so glad for the opportunity and I can’t to find out what my dress will look like. The thing I most hate about weddings is the critiques of the color choices and the dresses. Granted some brides don’t have the best taste but it’s their wedding and whatever they want to do they can do. This is the one and only time that I will give my opinion only when asked because that’s the way I would want to be treated. When you are a bride, the last thing you want is unsolicited advice. I will try my best to not be a bridezilla but it’s almost impossible to please everybody. Let me take you on a journey down Future Boulevard past Engagement Circle. Take a right at Wedding Avenue and you’ll see a church where a glorious wedding is taking place. Open the doors and let’s begin…

The Dress:

Number one: I do not want a traditional dress. Number two: I do not want to be forced to buy a dress that is ugly because of my full(er) figure. I am a plus size so I do realize that my choices could be limited but I am hoping to cut down a lot before the wedding. I joined a gym last week. I want to look good at my wedding and do not want to regret that I could have lost more weight. I want to be happy with myself. I have always wanted a ball gown but since ball gowns can make bigger people look bigger I have changed my opinion and would love an A-line gown. A-line gowns are the best at fitting just about any size of girl. I would really love a Southern-ball style dress with ruffles and bows. I would love something that Scarlett O’Hara would wear but just a bit more modest. Here’s a picture of what I would like for a dress and veil….

As I said, it’s not going to be your typical wedding dress as I hate traditional wedding dresses. Almost every wedding I’ve went to the bride has the standard silk skirt and bodice with beading and the lace “jacket” with some beading. To me that is boring. A unique dress might cost more but to me it’s worth it. Oh, yes I am wearing a hat.

Bridesmaids and Groomsmen:

I would love a Christmas wedding and have two ideas for colors: red, black, and silver or blue, silver, and white. I have yet to decide on one idea because (news flash) I’m not even engaged yet. However, I do know a rough idea of what I would like the bridesmaids to wear. Here’s a snapshot…

Do you like? I would also love for the bridesmaids to wear hats. If you know me at all, you know I love hats!! I am going to have a special request in my invitation that all the women wear hats. I think it will turn out great and it will put a unique spin on the wedding. I would also love my groomsmen and groom to wear top hats but that might be another story. I would love for my groom to surprise me with his outfit as I am going to surprise him with mine. So that would mean he would have to choose the groomsmen attire as well. Now this does depend if he has a sense of style or not but we’ll get to that later.

Music:

Yes I have most of music planned out. I would love to open with God’s Been Good by Legacy Five. Why? Because I think that it typifies my story and I know that’s what I will feel like on that day. Listen to it. It’s very good…

The bridesmaids would then walk down to an arrangement of A Dream is A Wish Your Heart Makes. Why? It’s my favorite Disney song and I absolutely love the story of Cinderella. I would love to have a classical guitarist play it but we will have to see…

I would walk down to Long Ago and Far Away. If you’ve never heard it before here it is…

Lovely isn’t it?? Then during the lighting of the unity candle or pouring of the sand or whatever we choose I would love to have So This is Love from Disney’s Cinderella played (not so sure about this song but let’s just go with it). Again, if you never heard it….

Then we would walk back to There’s A Place Called Home. This is from Christmas Carol the Musical and I melted the first time I heard it. Never heard of it before? Here you go….

Did you see why I melted now? I know I’m a hopeless romantic.

Odds and Ends:

For my bouquet I would love to have red roses and white lilies or white roses and blue lilies. They look so beautiful together and it would go well with both of my color choices. At the reception, I would love to have a CD or two or three of old love songs (carefully chosen by me and my groom) playing. They would be songs that mean something to us both. I would also love to have a magician at the reception. Can you imagine the entrance he could work out for us?! That would be pure awesomeness. The cake would be spectacular and I feel in love with this cake when I first saw it. It’s so beautiful.

Well, thanks for going on a trip with me down Future Boulevard. I hope someday that all my “dreams” will come true and I know that God, my family, and my friends will be there with me throughout the whole thing. 

Until then,

Be happy being single

Always remember to keep singing in the rain

Christa

Unlucky in Love??

“I found myself wandering around the restaurant searching for my best friend. I looked into the rows of tables filled with the guests and behind the head table where the guests of honor would be seated very shortly to find that they were nowhere around. As I glanced around the room I couldn’t help but notice the decor. Everything from the tablecloths down to the napkins were colored in this atrocious shade of green. I quickly walked into an adjoining room just as green and discovered a table lined with fruit and cookie trays at the far side of the room. Being famished from the fear of not finding my friend, I made my way through the crowd and snagged a couple of strawberries. I resumed my search by asking everyone around where my friend was at. Their reactions were the same. They’d shrug and say I don’t know. Suddenly, a lady called my name, grabbed my arm, and placed me in a line of well dressed men and women. Apparently, they were introducing all the guests. Great! Now I’ll never find them, I thought. I found my place at the back of the line. The same lady handed me a bouquet of green flowers and said “Wait here.” What? Why am I holding these flowers? I looked down only to become more confused. I realized I was wearing a white ball gown type dress with beading and had a white flowy veil in my hair. “What? Am I the bride? I’m married.” I thought as my pulse quickened. “Where’s my husband?” I asked my mother-in-law. She answered, “I don’t know. I hope you don’t have to walk in alone.” “Me either”, I thought. Then all of a sudden, a tall guy in a black suit joined me. I looked up and immediately thought “He’s ugly!!!”  This guy had a helmet-head comb-over and an acne covered face. Just then my father-in-law announced us and we walked into the main reception hall to cheers and thunderous applause. I held onto my bouquet for a little bit as we walked then rested my hand on his elbow. As we made our way to our seats at the head table, he pulled out my chair for me. Everyone clapped and tears of joy streamed down my face because I realized I was married. Someone loved me enough to marry me. My groom just chuckled. I could finally be happy….Then I heard knocking.”

Knock, knock, knock…“Christa! Time to get up!” My mom called from the open door. Grrrr….why does my mom always seem to wake me up at the good part. Oh well, I was happy for a little bit. I began to compare how different this dream was with all the other dreams I’ve had about my wedding. In my dreams, the groom’s face is always blurred. This time I saw him and I couldn’t believe how ugly he was. I don’t think that I could marry a guy who had a comb-over especially one that was glued to his head. Gives me the shivers… What also was different was the joy I felt as I was sitting down at the head table. The happiness was so real that it left a mark on me for a while after the dream. Wow!! So that is what it will feel like. I don’t know the real reason why I had that dream; maybe it was because my mom and I were discussing weddings the night before. Maybe it was because it’s just been something weighing heavily on my mind recently. Either way, I thoroughly enjoyed it. That morning, I felt like God had given me a special glimpse at my wedding day. Granted I won’t decorate my reception hall in green and my groom will not have a comb-over. For the rest of the day, I was on cloud nineteen hundred and twenty-two. Then it struck…. (Queue Phantom of the Opera music) the dreaded curse. Like a bucket of cold water on a roaring fire, the curse briefly took my feelings of jubilation away. The curse? Yes, the curse. Whenever I develop an attraction for a guy this is how the story goes: Christa likes guy; Christa tries to get to know guy; guy starts to like other girl; guy gets in relationship with other girl; guy marries other girl; Christa remains single…repeat. I’m not one to whole-heartedly believe in curses but after the tenth time that said story happens, you begin to believe in anything (I’m not being sarcastic here).

Previously said story presented itself to me this weekend. As I sat there drying myself off from the bucket of cold water dumped on my fire of happiness, I couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong with me. Did I have an anti-relationship mark on my life?? Was I covered in guy repellent?? As I pondered more and more about the situation, God brought to mind a verse I had read earlier this month: Hebrews 10:37 “For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come and will not tarry.” Now this verse has nothing to do with finding your mate but God spoke to me as clear as day and said “Your Mr. Right will come in a little while.” I was elated (and still am) that God spoke to me in that way. I felt so special. I had prayed, God had heard me, and God answered my prayer. I pondered a little bit more and realized that perhaps my Mr. Right was praying that my heart would be guarded for things not meant to be. Perhaps what “repels” guys from me are the prayers of my future husband. Now this maybe a crock of nonsense to you but it kind of makes sense to me. There has to be some other “force” here at work besides a curse. I feel so honored and ecstatic that someone would pray that much for me. I must admit I have shirked in my duty of praying for my future husband but from here on until God brings him to me, I will pray that his heart will be guarded from the wrong relationships. I will also pray that when we meet, both of us will have no doubts that we were meant to be together.

So do I think I’m unlucky in love? No, I think I’m lucky enough to have a God that cares for me and a man that prays for me so much that no one but him will ever date me. I may be reading into this whole situation and looking at it strangely but I don’t think so. God has shown me so much in these past few weeks that I believe He showed that my future husband was praying for me. How Wonderful! On a side note: Future husband, I know you’re out there so I wanted to speak to you directly. Please, please, please, for my sake, have spiked hair. No comb-overs allowed!!

To end this post, I wanted to leave off with a song that has been on my heart for the past couple of days. It’s one of my “Go-To” songs when I’m feeling a little blue. The truth it contains is simple but very real. This song is called God Knows and is sung by the Southern Gospel quartet The Kingsmen. Also before I go, remember that being single and being happy are not two different aspects of life. I am single and I am happy. Remember to sing in the rain. Love you all!!!!

Confessions of a Single Woman

I know I am not the first nor will I be the last Christian woman that is single looking for her mate in this world. I know that there are people out in lands far away that have far more struggles on a daily basis than I will have in my lifetime. I know that some might consider me selfish and think that I am just being petty. Maybe they think that I should just move on with my life. I am here to tell those people that I have moved on but my struggles have moved with me. My struggles may not be equal to yours. No, I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from or if I’ll live until tomorrow but that doesn't mean that I don’t have trouble I am human, we are all human and by consequence we all have things that threatening to bring us down no matter how small. I still have my weak moments no matter how much I remind myself how lucky I am to have a family who loves me, friends who care about me, God who can take care of my every need, food to eat every day, and a job to pay the bills. Sometimes, just keeping my head above water is my daily struggle. Fighting the tug of loneliness threatening to take me under can be exhausting. Maybe it will get better but I don’t think so. Sometimes, I just want to give in so I don’t have to fight it anymore. Then I am reminded if I give in then everything up until this moment--every fight, every dream, every hope is all in vain. So instead of curling up into a little ball and just letting life pass me by, I make myself get up and move. I pray to God to give me the strength to deal with whatever comes my way. For you see, my struggle is all around me. Everything can remind me of what is my weakness. What is my weakness? Loneliness and the ugly truth that I might have to face life without a husband. I’ll be honest, it’s on my mind daily and no matter how hard I try to focus on something else, it always comes back to stare me right in the face. It’s the little things that get me most times, like this morning I woke up, got ready for work, and walked out the door to discover my car was covered with ice. In that moment, I froze wishing that I had a husband who (in the name of chivalry) would scrape off the ice for me so that I could go to work. Instead, I unlocked my car door, turned the heat on, and scraped off the ice myself. If I go to the store, a couple walking together (no matter how old or young) jumpstarts the thoughts of me and my future husband walking together in the park holding hands and just enjoying each other. The lists goes on and on and on…. What really hurts and what I most struggle with is weddings. Weddings for me can bring up emotions buried so deep that even I have forgotten about them. Those are the moments that usually bring the tears. The moment the bride walks down the aisle is the moment I crave for the most. Not because everyone is looking at me, they don’t matter. It’s the look that that one special person is giving me. That’s what I want. To feel that someone could you love so much that they would pledge the rest of their life to be with you is such an honor. I hope to someday honor someone in that way. Until then, weddings will always bring an elixir of mixed emotions for me.

I used to think that I would not settle for anything less than what was on my list. I wanted my guy to be tall, dark, and handsome. He had to be saved, serving in a church, musically gifted, financially sound, lover of sports esp. football, a listener, smart, a gentleman, sarcastic, romantic, and have a great sense of humor. I know it’s quite an extensive list!! Throughout 2011, I thought in my heart and mind that 2011 was the year God would finally see fit to bring me out of this fight and it would be the year I would look back on with fondness as the year God brought victory. As you can see (or read), 2011 was not the year for victory. It was so hard for me to bear the realization that for another year I had gone through this struggle and it didn’t seem to be ending anytime soon. The stress, anxiety, and worry I placed on my body affected me so much that I woke up every morning with a migraine and acid reflux. Then I had a moment…I like to call it my aha moment. I thought to myself, “What am I doing?? This is so ridiculous that I am under all this stress. So you were wrong. It’s not the first time.” At that moment in time, I resolved to let God find my man and quit the worrying, stress, and anxiety. From then on, I resolved to be single and be happy. Single and happy are not two words you usually find together but I have found a joy in my struggle of life and I have never been more content or more at peace. I can talk more openly and my confidence in me as a person has soared. Simple things I used to be ashamed to do as a single woman (because it openly reminded me that I was single) I now do. For instance, I used to never talk about good looking guys and how good their hair looks or how beautiful their eyes were or how awesome their jaw line is. Now, any good looking guy is fair game i.e. George Clooney, David Beckham, Apollo Anton Ohno, Channing Tatum, Hugh Jackman, etc. I am single and I’m having a blast. It doesn’t mean I don’t struggle but it means that I can finally be happy with my predicament and enjoy my single life. I have also thrown my list out the window because all it boils down to is I just want a single Christian guy who loves me and who loves the Lord. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. In addition, I have resolved that I am no longer in search to find a guy. He’s already found (preferably alive and breathing)! I just have to wait for God to bring him into my life. No worries, I’m all right! God will take care of me. So don’t feel sorry for me, I’ll be over there on the computer drooling at the sight of Aaron Rodgers’ hair and Clay Matthews’ jaw. Hey, don’t judge me!! After all, I better enjoy it before I take the plunge ;-)

Someday I’ll have the wedding of my dreams with the guy God specifically chose for me and we will be happy together and have those moments that I’ve always dreamed of.  I have a strong feeling that Google will be getting a lot of search queries on pictures of good looking celebs until that moment. David Beckham, here I come…..

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”

~Lana Turner~