Confessions of a Single Woman

I know I am not the first nor will I be the last Christian woman that is single looking for her mate in this world. I know that there are people out in lands far away that have far more struggles on a daily basis than I will have in my lifetime. I know that some might consider me selfish and think that I am just being petty. Maybe they think that I should just move on with my life. I am here to tell those people that I have moved on but my struggles have moved with me. My struggles may not be equal to yours. No, I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from or if I’ll live until tomorrow but that doesn't mean that I don’t have trouble I am human, we are all human and by consequence we all have things that threatening to bring us down no matter how small. I still have my weak moments no matter how much I remind myself how lucky I am to have a family who loves me, friends who care about me, God who can take care of my every need, food to eat every day, and a job to pay the bills. Sometimes, just keeping my head above water is my daily struggle. Fighting the tug of loneliness threatening to take me under can be exhausting. Maybe it will get better but I don’t think so. Sometimes, I just want to give in so I don’t have to fight it anymore. Then I am reminded if I give in then everything up until this moment--every fight, every dream, every hope is all in vain. So instead of curling up into a little ball and just letting life pass me by, I make myself get up and move. I pray to God to give me the strength to deal with whatever comes my way. For you see, my struggle is all around me. Everything can remind me of what is my weakness. What is my weakness? Loneliness and the ugly truth that I might have to face life without a husband. I’ll be honest, it’s on my mind daily and no matter how hard I try to focus on something else, it always comes back to stare me right in the face. It’s the little things that get me most times, like this morning I woke up, got ready for work, and walked out the door to discover my car was covered with ice. In that moment, I froze wishing that I had a husband who (in the name of chivalry) would scrape off the ice for me so that I could go to work. Instead, I unlocked my car door, turned the heat on, and scraped off the ice myself. If I go to the store, a couple walking together (no matter how old or young) jumpstarts the thoughts of me and my future husband walking together in the park holding hands and just enjoying each other. The lists goes on and on and on…. What really hurts and what I most struggle with is weddings. Weddings for me can bring up emotions buried so deep that even I have forgotten about them. Those are the moments that usually bring the tears. The moment the bride walks down the aisle is the moment I crave for the most. Not because everyone is looking at me, they don’t matter. It’s the look that that one special person is giving me. That’s what I want. To feel that someone could you love so much that they would pledge the rest of their life to be with you is such an honor. I hope to someday honor someone in that way. Until then, weddings will always bring an elixir of mixed emotions for me.

I used to think that I would not settle for anything less than what was on my list. I wanted my guy to be tall, dark, and handsome. He had to be saved, serving in a church, musically gifted, financially sound, lover of sports esp. football, a listener, smart, a gentleman, sarcastic, romantic, and have a great sense of humor. I know it’s quite an extensive list!! Throughout 2011, I thought in my heart and mind that 2011 was the year God would finally see fit to bring me out of this fight and it would be the year I would look back on with fondness as the year God brought victory. As you can see (or read), 2011 was not the year for victory. It was so hard for me to bear the realization that for another year I had gone through this struggle and it didn’t seem to be ending anytime soon. The stress, anxiety, and worry I placed on my body affected me so much that I woke up every morning with a migraine and acid reflux. Then I had a moment…I like to call it my aha moment. I thought to myself, “What am I doing?? This is so ridiculous that I am under all this stress. So you were wrong. It’s not the first time.” At that moment in time, I resolved to let God find my man and quit the worrying, stress, and anxiety. From then on, I resolved to be single and be happy. Single and happy are not two words you usually find together but I have found a joy in my struggle of life and I have never been more content or more at peace. I can talk more openly and my confidence in me as a person has soared. Simple things I used to be ashamed to do as a single woman (because it openly reminded me that I was single) I now do. For instance, I used to never talk about good looking guys and how good their hair looks or how beautiful their eyes were or how awesome their jaw line is. Now, any good looking guy is fair game i.e. George Clooney, David Beckham, Apollo Anton Ohno, Channing Tatum, Hugh Jackman, etc. I am single and I’m having a blast. It doesn’t mean I don’t struggle but it means that I can finally be happy with my predicament and enjoy my single life. I have also thrown my list out the window because all it boils down to is I just want a single Christian guy who loves me and who loves the Lord. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. In addition, I have resolved that I am no longer in search to find a guy. He’s already found (preferably alive and breathing)! I just have to wait for God to bring him into my life. No worries, I’m all right! God will take care of me. So don’t feel sorry for me, I’ll be over there on the computer drooling at the sight of Aaron Rodgers’ hair and Clay Matthews’ jaw. Hey, don’t judge me!! After all, I better enjoy it before I take the plunge ;-)

Someday I’ll have the wedding of my dreams with the guy God specifically chose for me and we will be happy together and have those moments that I’ve always dreamed of.  I have a strong feeling that Google will be getting a lot of search queries on pictures of good looking celebs until that moment. David Beckham, here I come…..

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”

~Lana Turner~