Weary in Waiting

Just to be clear, this post was not meant for revenge or as a pity party for me. I am solely writing this because I need to. Any other single person may not feel the way I feel but I need to talk about it. I know after this is posted on my blog, my friends will text me with encouraging words and leaving encouraging comments on Facebook letting me know to keep on going. I appreciate everyone’s word of encouragement and by all means don’t stop because sometimes it’s exactly what I need. Just know, that although this specific post might not look like it, I am happy being single. This is just one sad moment out of a 100 happy ones I will write about.

My alarm sounded the theme of Batman to alert me that it was 6:30am and I needed to get ready for work. I groaned hit the snooze and rolled over. It happened again as it has been consistently every week. As I laid there contemplating if I wanted to get up or give up, the feeling of sadness came over me like a flood and I felt the pull of the chain. I got up quickly to get moving and get my mind off the sadness. I thought “Man, I have to clean this room” as I looked for an unwrinkled shirt in my clean clothes pile on the floor. I found one and went about getting the rest of myself ready for work. I’m beginning to hate these dreams. Those dreams where I’m getting married, in a relationship, or talking with my husband seems so real. I’m so happy for a fleeting second, only to wake up to the cold realization that I am alone. What have I done that is so wrong that no one will fall in love with me? Why isn’t God bringing me to him? Where is he? He is in my thoughts daily and I have felt for the longest time that he is just around the corner. So I trod on the path of singleness and turn the corner to find out he’s not there and find another corner up ahead. I push till I can’t take it anymore and just break down. This struggle has drawn me so much closer to God but I don’t know what else to do. I am reading my Bible, trying to get back into a prayer life, starting to witness more about Him, serving in the church, and trusting God but how much can one person take? How long do I have to wait? I wrote a poem once that started,

“If I have to wait a thousand years or more for you,

I’d wait until my time is through.

If I had to climb the mountain top so high

I’d not even wonder why

And if I had to swim among the fishes of the deep blue sea

It would not even phase me”

Yet, I have no idea how long I have to wait or where he is. I know for sure that my Mr. Right doesn’t live on Mt. Everest or in the Pacific Ocean. I also know for sure that I don’t have to wait a thousand years or more because I will be dead before then. I have complained, I have discussed, I have cried, I have prayed, I have worried, I have forgotten (for but a moment), I have vented, I have kept it inside….yet I have nothing to show for it except a string of random text messages and a trail of tears. I feel the pressure all around me closing in and there’s nothing I can do. I am so lost. I feel at times that people don’t understand the feelings of singles who know they are to be married and yet they’re not. I see their looks as I talk about my daily struggles because they asked me. Their looks say “Girl, chill. It’s just a guy. You’ll find him eventually. You’re just being greedy and selfish. Get over it.” Their looks show that maybe I’m a little too desperate. Sorry, but you don’t understand me.

I feel like I’m standing still and everyone has moved on with their lives and there I am, good old Christa: no sign of a husband and alone. It seems that everyone is starting a family, everyone is getting married, but here I am on the outside looking in craving for those exact things. Their dreams are coming true yet I’m still holding to the hope that that might happen to me. Some people might call it being selfish and greedy but I can’t help what I feel. Sometimes, I can’t stop those feelings from coming to the surface for all to see because I am tired of holding it in inside of me. I once heard that true joy is being happy in the good times and bad times. This is one of those bad times and I apologize but I am weary of waiting and being patient. I’m tired of looking at every single guy that comes my way as a potential mate. Yet, I will smile and force myself to think on all the blessings that God has given me. For God has been good, is good, and will always be good to me.

I will keep on going because I know this is where God wants me to be. I will keep my trust in Him because God always keeps His promises. I will be happy being single because this is God’s will for me at this moment in my life. I will remain true and faithful to my future husband. I will trod on the path of singleness to the corner up ahead because maybe this time I will be right. I will clean my room after I get home from work because I need to learn to keep a clean house. It’s raining but I’m going to throw back my head and start singing again. Music always lifts my spirit. I have a set playlist of songs on my phone so that whenever I feel this way I always have music on hand that encourages me. This is one of my favorites. It’s sung by my favorite Southern Gospel tenor Brian Free and it’s called Never Walk Alone.

Always remember to sing in the rain.

Be happy being single.

Christa