Ah the holidays!! For most, it is a time for gathering
with friends and relatives to enjoy each other’s company. There are presents to
be unwrapped, kisses to be stolen under the mistletoe, lives to be caught up
on, food to eat, and memories of the past to be reflected on. A person can get
lost in the sight of all the twinkling lights and falling snow that greet you
on every street. Christmas music pours out through every radio in every store
and mall encouraging you to spend money on their items. The sappy Christmas
movies of love and romance flow from every movie channel like a tsunami. Christmas
and love always seem to go together hand in hand. The constant bombardment of
movies based on love stories and songs sung about significant others can drag
an otherwise normal single person into a state of depression and extreme
loneliness. If that wasn’t bad enough, the annual family Christmas parties with
the inquiring aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins wondering when you will
finally get hitched are enough to push you off the edge. They mean well but
after the 5th person has come up and asked you it makes you want to
stand up and make a general public service announcement that yes you are still
single. The question is only to be followed by “I’m sure you’ll find someone
someday.” What I hear? “I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone to deal with
you. They won’t be able to find anybody else so they’ll settle and marry you.”
Side note: Don’t ever tell a single person (especially one that has been single
a long time) that. It is not encouraging. I sometimes feel that I’m going
through last year’s clearance racks and all that’s left are the guys that are
too narrow minded, too immature, too young, too old, too self-centered, or too
obnoxious. The good ones have been taken/distracted by those skinny girls who are
mini-fashionistas and who know exactly what part of their bodies to flaunt to
get them. I’m left staring wishing I could have just what she has while being
myself. I sometimes wonder if I change my hairstyle, my wardrobe, and my choice
of hangout would really make a difference. I always reject that idea as I know
I wouldn’t truly be myself and I’m most comfortable being me. No matter how
many times my friends and family tell me I’m beautiful, I have a great
personality, and I’m a great person to be with there is still that nagging
voice in the back of my mind telling me that I have to change to be liked. If
all these things are true, where is my Prince Charming?
I have been trying to answer that question for many
years. How come I can’t have that special person? Why am I still single? What
is wrong with me? The longing has never gone away and neither has the craving.
That feeling in your heart that reaches deep into your soul that can’t be tamed
with material things. It’s the moment in time when you would give anything in
the world to hear someone say those words professing their love for you. It’s
also the moment where we are most vulnerable. Everything no matter how innocent
invokes emotions. A kind look from a wife to her husband or the sight of a baby
playing happily with toys pierces your very soul with hurtful longing. A vague
reference to someone’s husband/wife or the endless stream of engagement
announcements on Facebook is enough to carry you over the edge of the cliff
without much resistance. So we hide behind our walls meant to protect us from
hurt but end up turning our friends away. The very people God placed in our
lives to encourage us to continue on the road of life. Just once I would love
for someone to come to me during these times and tell me that everything’s
going to be ok and I’m going to make it through; however, the walls I place up
keep them from knowing my emotions. Why don’t I tell them? No one likes that
friend that constantly complains about their situation and is always a
Debbie-downer. No one likes to hang out with that friend that is always
unhappy. So I close myself off to only mention something rarely while the
feelings are something I struggle with almost daily. I end up keeping my
feelings inside of myself instead of releasing them to anyone including God. It
ends up with a climax night of tears and anger. Angry at myself for keeping my
feelings in, angry at life in general because it’s not moving fast enough,
frustrated at the many times I’ve read in the Bible to wait when that’s all
I’ve been doing, and sad because the night usually ends up without an answer. Even
now I reflect on those nights and the whirlwind of emotions it brought and I
can’t help but become embarrassed about letting myself get that far. Why do I
keep it in? Where is he? The answer is simply put as I
don’t know because honestly I don’t. I don’t know why some very good people are
single in want of a true love when some other undeserving people have found
their true love. I just know that I am in this place because God wants to make
me stronger. My pastor preached a sermon a couple of weeks ago regarding a
Levite family. Their job was to transport portions of the tabernacle from place
to place. They weren’t the only family in fact there were two other families but
they were all Levites. The other two families received wagons to transport the
portions of the tabernacle they were responsible for. This family received
nothing: no wagons, no horses, not even a wheelbarrow. In fact, God told them
that they had to bear those belongings with their hands. Sounds very unfair of
God? It sounds as He thinks of this family as dung and the others as the cream
of the crop. My automatic answer was yes but as we continued reading the
chapter God brought to light the reason why they had to carry those belongings
with their hands. They were in charge of the altar, the Ark of the Covenant,
and all the other very special expensive items of the Tabernacle. Now is God
fair? I ashamedly say yes. In fact my thinking was reversed as this family was
very special in God’s eyes. They were blessed with carrying God’s most holy
things. I’m not saying I’m going to get God’s most holy man but I know God has
someone very special for me down the road. Someday I’ll be able to write a blog
post of my wedding. I’ll be able to share my story of how true love is worth
the wait and how God good is to give me someone so special. I’ll be able to
tell you that everything is going to be ok and you’ll make it through the
journey. Until then, I’ll just keep remembering that God is good all the time
and life holds someone special for me. I’m going to make it and it’s going to
be ok.
So to you single friend, I would like to tell you that
you are not alone in your feelings and journey. Not only is God with you but I
am. You’ll be fine and I promise that God doesn’t hate you. In fact, He loves
you. We’ll both be able to look back on this time and
remark on how good God is even in the hard times.
Until next time,
Always Keep Singing in the Rain
Christa
